okay. well ive been busy, lessee what has happened?i accomplished my 24 hour juice fast (although i actually only drank water) that i want to start doing every month. actually i want to do 48 hours but since it was my first fast in a long time i thought id take it easy. it was interesting explaining the differences to my family and friends between the fast i was doing and the muslim fast. i also couldnt decide when i should do my fasts coz i want some sort of regularity that makes sense. i was thinking either the first and second of the month or during a new moon; but turns out i like to do it just after ive taken my last pill for the month. i have a couple days before i get my rag after i finish the pill for the month, just before i flush out my child juices seems like a good time to give my body a break from ingesting all the time.
that brings me to my next topic; i saw the gyno again and lo and behold i dont have any more cysts. im retaining a reserved joy for that one, since i know they can come back. but the fact that they went away is still good news. score one for artificially manufactured and wrapped in plastic little hormone pills. oh, another bonus, the fact that they give me reddish acne near my jawline makes it real easy to act like the light hickies i occasionally come home with are just acne. which is good coz as far as i know my host parents dont know i have a boyfriend. i think even someone used to white skin variants wouldnt notice the difference without looking closely.
so i have been doing a good job on some of my decisions - start fasting and if i have to be on the pill i am going to balance it's negative effects. as far as not buying junk food, well that mess lasted about two weeks.
as far as excercising...well i kind of had a completely shitty experience the last capoeira class i went to. i changed into my black pants and newly bought capoeira shirt and stretched and such. we started the class out doing funny excercises on the floor like last time, then moved into more advanced stuff..but i didnt move very hard. you see both my hip joints had steadily started to ache; then burn, as the class went on until finally i couldnt even bend over or squat down coz it just hurt too badly. i realized at that point that there was no way i was going to be able to finish the class. suck. if i couldnt even squat i was certainly not going to do any of the hip-stressing squating leg sweeps and tumbles and flips that we practiced later in the class, and there was no way i could compete at the end in the circle.
i was really embarressed at having to try, in french, while trying not to cry out of frustration (i fucking hate crying in front of other people but seem to when very frustrated, which is in and of itself frustrating), what is very hard to explain even in english; in that i was in too much bone pain to go on. i didnt pull a muscle, it wasnt that i was too tired or too weak or too confused about what my body was supposed to do. no i didnt hurt myself and no i probably wont get better. well, i will for awhile and then i wont again; thats the joy of chronic pain. fuck.
i mean, in an activity like that i always compete with boys - i dont usually care to prove i can do shit to other girls but i have some sort of pride thing about being strong and able in front of boys. maybe it comes from competing with my older brother and his friends - ill psychoanalyse that mess later, for now i just know thats how it is. so to be the only girl in the class (casie wasnt there that time) and to have to quit..i was worried they would connect it to my sex. but that wasnt the only thing, coz i can get over what other people might think pretty quickly; i mean in the long run what the hell difference does it make? the only difference it made then is that i kept going when my body was giving me warnings until it was screaming and i had to listen, wincing and saying ow fuck under my breath didnt really cut it anymore.
no, what really fucked with me was the realization that i was physically incapable of doing capoeira, i couldnt change what my body was doing. the forceful realization that yes indeed i am limited, handicapped even. unable to do what other "normal" bodies my age can. not in a severe way, but no amount of stretching or muscle building is really going to change the fact that my fucking hip bones are grinding painfully against one another; its like i have arthritus only im 22. so how will it be at 32, at 72? also, usually its just my right hip thats bad, along with other body parts on my right side. but both hips were equally in pain.. does that Mean Something? i know even "cured" RSDS can have lasting detrimental side effects like bone deteriation and also will sometimes start up again after years of lying dormant. i hope that is not whats going on and instead it was just a combo of very specific body movements that brought the pain on so strong. but its odd coz i didnt have that problem the first time.
well fuck in any case i am still looking into the other martial arts classes taught there, something maybe less like acrobatics. like karate or kickboxing. i also am looking for a sports bra, i have been thinking about taking up running (please try not to die of surprise if you are someone who knows me and how i talk about hating running; i did it a little to warm up for capoeira and actually liked it) if my everfucking right foot allows it but along with my new 15 pounds i gained since moving to senegal (theres a lovely souvenir) my breasts actually bounce around a little.
i was convinced everything but my breasts had gained fat until i was feeling my breast the other day when ponge had left the room to go do something and realized it waz actually bigger. so there are some bonuses. i think i have a great ass and thighs - my legs are long and round; if i could just work on the upper body (arms and belly) and keep in general shape and such. its all about proportion, since i have small breasts i think its sexier to have a small/flattish belly and lightly muscular arms, but a nice round ass and thighs are both nice to look at and to touch unless they sag; which mine dont (yet, im sure one day they will).
in other news on friday i went salsa dancing for one of the new MSIDers birthdays, it was kind of boring at first and i was really tired but then it was kind of fun except that all these old men kept asking us to dance. maybe harmless maybe not but no thanks. i spent the night at helens again, but this time brought a blanket so as not to be a fucking zombie from lack of sleep for saturdays capoeira/ ha hah.
saturday after my suckass capoeira experience i went to abdoulaye's room (he rents a room in this room complex, and when i say a room thats what i mean. one room with a sponge mattress on the floor and a trunk of clothes; there is a semipublic squat toilet and shower and faucet for water needs)and he and ponge, paupis (nice medinakrew paupis not my annoying djembe teacher paupis who i am looking to ditch as soon as i get my drum back from him), amadou, ousmane, moustapha, casie, helen, mammie, carolyne and i all made chiackre (a simple dish that is sort of a cross between a bowl of cereal and a bowl of porridge) and attaya-beesap(a tea) and hung out til like 4AM.
then i was tired so ponge and i went to bed. i was still feeling really shitty about the whole capoeira/rsds mess and was talking to ponge a bit and we ended up messing around and this time he had a condom (the time before a family member had ganked it) so we got to have sex. holy fucking shit can that boy go. first of all, he actually asked me what i wanted; boys never do that they just do whatever they like, jiz, and ask if it was good for you. second of all we fucked for so long that even my abs are sore today, and i was on bottom most of the time. shit lasted for like an hour and a half. third, he has skills. he did it slow and sweet and hard and fast and from the left and from the right and pressed close in and came from far away... laa-ilahaay!
...not that i had an orgasm, but there is one hell of a lot of promise there. getting the timing and rhythm right. even orgasm-less sex is still nice even though i think i enjoy that moment of really wanting sex more than that of actually getting it. i think i have some timing thing off where by the time i get sex i dont want it as bad. nonetheless, sex is still worth having even when its not that great (which it usually isnt) coz after ive had it i dont want it anymore for a bit.
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today i bought ponge a birthday gift - a nice long sleeve shirt and a warm hat he can keep his dreads in (he puts this really nice smelling cream on to help them grow and keeps them in a hat for the same reason). i went with abdoulaye to his store downtown and he helped me find stuff, which was nice. then ponge amadou ousmane and paupis joined us and we drank attaya in abdoulayes room. ponge and i left at two to eat with his family and he and i hung out and talked and cuddled and spent a really nice afternoon chillin in his room. he had a football game in the street at six, and i decided to go to the cyber to update my page. but now i must go to my family and eat dinner and watch the bad brazilian soap opera my sister and i are addicted to.
oh shit, i almost forgot, i watched the allstars game live last night with my sis and bro and our cousin mohammed (who i havent seen in the fuck forever) from one am to five am. i think that game made a mild basketball fan out of me coz it was so close and pretty and my team (east coz i like iverson and hate shaq and bryant) almost won but then got fucked in the second overtime. damn look at me all talking and caring about sports and shit.
