so i'm mildly ill from trying to drink some absynth, but it was just the essence and sugar and vodka. i hate vodka and going from not really drinking to drinking anise flavored vodka is really disgusting so i just quit after like two sips. i also drank a whopping half a beer today. alcohol just isnt that great, though i wanted to try absynthe but maybe if id eaten more than a cup of fruit salad and some taco dip all day my stomach might have been more up for it.speaking of which i forgot to take my parasite killin pill this morning, sposed to do it every night and morning for six days. whatever, im not even sure i have parasites its just sort of precautionary so i guess it doesnt matter and if it did i cant bloody well change it.
fuck. i need to concentrate to write since i am very tired but for some reason my mom woke up and is sitting in the living room and her presence is distracting me from analysing my state of being in a lyrical manner..please go to bed.
i need a good rant but i need to do it Alone..maybe if i fuck around on the net for awhile? excellent. plan successful, though now lots of rant steam has drifted off into the sea of who fucking cares i just want to go to bed. so. why is there so much SPACE here? everyone has spacespace s p a c e . even fucking businesses have space. businesses have their own lawns and fences and hot water. what do they need them for?
i thought i missed green a lot, but maybe i need to hit up a forest or something because everything just looks normal. i thought i missed a lot of foods, i even made a list of what i was going to eat when i got back. but now that im here im not really interested in pursuing these supposedly missed items. of course, maybe thats because since about four days before i left dakar i havent given much a fuck about most foods one way or another. certain things i have enjoyed, like my first taste of guacamole at a mexican restaurant in paris (almost as good as my guac...) and the taco dip i made for my little welcome home "party" today. not that im not eating, i understand on an intellectual level that my body needs food and therefore i nurish it (im not really into the whole eating disorder business, well not anymore anyway but thats a whole 'nother not interesting story) what is this lack of appetite? usually nothing can fuck with my enjoyment of physical consumption.
also what do my friends DO here? the same thing as there - jack shit, except sit around and talk and drink. but my senegalese friends drank tea whereas my american friends drink alcohol of some nature and smoke up. look im the last person in the world to judge anyone for using drugs in a regular way, but somehow i find the doing nothing without the drugs more respectable. seems to give a deeper respect for the single vessel you are given to carry you through life that is your body, and though laughing at really dumb things that have been done while wasted is fun and all>> i dunno. i dont really want to get back into that culture. i kind of feel like if i stay here im going to get sucked back into getting fucking super wasted a lot, which is not good for me in many ways
also EVErYONE smokes, whether its pot or cigarettes. and im allergic to things with fur, which i forgot about; so now im all sneezy-snotty again since everyone seems to have some sort of furry animal or another in their homes, which they say are small and say they are "poor." except they are not poor, not by world standards. and i understand that they dont understand, they are in the belly of the beast (we are); reaping the benefits of the empire; but actually poor people do not have new cars and microwaves and beds to themselves and money to spend on frivalties like piercings and beer.
it is still good to see so many old friends and familly. i love the bastards to death.
...v told me she ran into josh one day. apparently he lives in minneapolis with mary, they lived in costa rica or something for awhile and maxed out their credit cards. she told him he needs to email me, and he said he had this email all planned out in his head but was hesitating because i need to work out stuff with mary first or something.
well now that i know for sure the two of them arent dead or something and just no one wanted to tell me because i was abroad, im really bothered by this whole state of affairs. what the hell does any issues mary and i may or may not have to work out have to do with joshs ability to email me and see how i am or let me know he is alive? we lived together for two fucking YEARS and he told me he imagined knowing me into our old ages and he and i, to my knowledge, left on good terms. thats completely shitty and if it wasnt for the fact that i really miss him, a lot, i would just think he could go fuck himself and that it was too bad it didnt work out differently.
as for mary, when i lived with her i was too intimidated by her to ever try and resolve any issues she didnt herself bring up, and since she never brought up anything and instead just acted pissed off we never resolved anything. this was not easy to manage since i couldnt particularly tell if she was pissed at me or josh or just the world and i became afraid to ask over some period of time which is ill-defined to me. something to do with feeling like she didnt really want to talk about anything and me wanting to respect her space. seems like i used to talk to her and like her more than josh, i dont really know why it should be one or the other and not just both? well, mary i think is a good person at heart; she just has some communication problems. i would hope if we ever see each other again we could work things out but im not going to cower under her glare and beg her for information on how i fucked up under her eyes.
i am open to looking at my actions and admitting mistakes, this is how one learns in life. but i also have some different philosophies than she does; and that fucking im pissed but not going to talk about it game really pissed me off. still pisses me off, evidently, since i am ranting on it. i think if she isnt willing to open up and have a real discussion until all the issues are really out, im going to have to give up on remediation possibilities, which possibly i should have done a long time ago. but i get myself into these situations where once i see the value in someone and i enjoy them in my life it takes a hell of a lot for them to lose that status. i try actively to forgive and be understanding. sometimes this results in The Shaft, but we are all only human and i sure need to be forgiven and understood at times, so wtf?
now i sound like some hallmark card trying to reach a hip young audience or something.
sometimes i think i liked this diary better when i knew no one was reading it.
