this time it was a lot more intense than the first time. the first time i was nervous, and expecting a lot. this time i knew months in advance that i wasn't going to actually go into the lodge. it just wasn't respectful as i was not spiritually at a place where i felt the lodge - i'll have to ask mom what the ojibwe name, the real name for the sweat lodge is because i forgot - would be something i should do. normally i wouldnt have been able to anyway since i would have been on my moontime but since i quit the pill since leaving senegal i got my rag in paris instead of the reservation. so it was a choice.
so i stayed outside the lodge. i kept quiet and in tune with what was going on as best i could. it was absolutly the right thing to have done, the experience was intense - more so than when i was in the lodge the previous year. i have to say, i hate to talk about it because the words sound common, but this weekend i had experiences i couldnt describe any other way than spiritual. i dont feel i need to go into specifics for the general public, but the ogitchidow-ekwe know what i mean.
i feel honored to be part of something so unique at such a young age.
i also have completed that which was missing. i didn't know what the hell it was until it was back. i was on the Path, feeling confident and calm. i didnt know the future but i was sure i was on the Path and the combination of intellectual pondering and following ones intuition and allowing for life's opportunities to present themselves in due time was working. then i began to doubt that path, to wonder if i hadnt made major mistakes. i began to think that i had diverted from the Path.
and i had, but not in my actions. only in my ... insides. there, on that land during the first ceremony of the weekend, i knew i had not misstepped in action. i knew i was still on the Path, though i just got scared. the calm, the confidence is back. that is what was missing.
i made a decision as well, that will be difficult to hold up here in this environment but that i knew up there would be difficult but still thought it right. unless there is a spiritual purpose to it, or there are very specific circumstances in which it is appropriate, i will no longer put intoxicants into my body.
one of the tenants of the eightfold path is appropriate intoxication, and at this time in my life there are few ways in which intoxication would be appropriate. this means no more beer, and no other drugs that may present themselves in a social setting. i would actually like to do a spiritual mushroom trip, but i dont have a partner with whom to do this. i really only feel i could do a spiritual shroom with possibly nathan...really the josh i once knew would have understood this desire to experience the mushroom not as a party favor, but in a spiritual manner devoid of simple urges to get fucked up. but of course i dont know where josh is at, and i dont really mean that in the physical sense of place.
one thing i did not yet do is let go of this josh and mary thing thats been hanging on me. its hard to because its unresolved. i know well that many things in life remain unresolved, this not necessarily being an exception. i recognize its difficulty is also due to how fresh, and how senseless the situation.
but i will work through this yet. all things in due time. i will just be patiant while the process runs its cycle.
this is the welcome home i needed.
i am rejuvinated.
