i am so fucked up inside. my day starts out with me getting up very late, for no good reason. even if i go to bed early, i just dont give a shit about anything enough to get out of bed before the afternoon. or something. i dont know. i wake up, usually, at a decent hour. 8 am. 10 am. but i always always go back to sleep. i feel like i need something to get me up - like looking forward to a shower or a good breakfast. only i dont shower very often and i could really give less of a fuck about eating breakfast. i wish i lived someplace with roommates, maybe then i would get up with the positive notion of getting up to say hi to someone besides the cats. then i get in this Alone Mode. like im all alone and thats all i fucking want to be. then my mom comes home from work, and im so into not being with anyone that her presence is invasive. which is totally fucking ridiculous and selfish - for fucks sake, im in her home, not mine. so then im in this foul mood where i get all snappy on her for no fucking reason. which she doesnt deserve at all. the last thing in the world she deserves is me being a snot to her. so then i feel like shit for doing that to her, but its like i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. so i ponder what the fuck is my problem for awhile.
i dont really have any solutions, except that i am lonely and my life is not what i want it to be at this point. i feel extremely stuck in madison, in this house. i wish i was in mpls, or just travelling. hitchiking or learning the rails or some fucking thing. i crave adventure. i crave the new. i suppose madison is new in a way since i havent really lived here much. but its also old, i dont know. it just holds no intrigue for me. its not city. people here just go to clubs or bars..where's the dumpster divers? where are the old building explorers? where are the bike lovers? i hate spending money that's not my own, but i do it anyway because i also hate not doing anything. i long for comrads my age that have the same understandings i do, who can enlighten and inform me as much as i can them. i long to be in my own place, somewhere i can invite people to. i long to have a job that i feel passion towards. i wish i was organizing. i miss ponge and i am a fucking wreck over whether or not his visa will go through. i was pretty sure it would until i talked to this woman that had adopted a brazilian-african child, officially. and her visa still didnt get approved for TEN YEARS. if ponge gets denied i dont know what the hell i will do.
there are no jobs there, so as much as i would even just go back, i cant. i cant pay for my loans if i have no income, or third world level income. thats just a fact.
and i feel so ineffective against the powers that be. i need to be in a very concrete, midwest academy style organizing campaign. everything i do now is so abstract and goal-less. who is the target? what is the long term goal? what is the short term goal? who is the enemy and who is the ally? god.
then there's jana. i love the girl and i think she has a lot of potential, but she is SO caught up on her looks and her car. and thats fine, except she talks about her car ALL THE TIME and she judges other people when they havent spent as much time on their looks as she does. i wish she would.. move on a little. i mean, i know i get caught up on my looks, too. but i think i at least respect the fact that its shallow and make efforts to care less about it. and i definitly judge others less by their outward appearances than she. and i am not intending to talk shit about her, but its just kind of depressing. i think she is a better person than that, and i think its a phase. i hope.
i mean, my bro and carrie aren't that terribly informed on world issues, but at least they are pretty down to earth.
my dad is coming to see me and give me some shit from his attic. i am not at all emotionally in a good place right now, so we'll see how this goes. come to think of it, i havent really been in a good place for months.
piss.
later i am supposed to go out with ryan - i think we are going to a friend's house to watch movies or something. that will be the part of the day where i am briefly happy.
