i want a cigarette so badly. and i want time away from ponge so i can smoke. i was thinking about ..well, a lot of shit. god i'm so. i dont want to call anyone i know. i want friends that are educated about similar things, that care about similar things. that can teach and want to learn. i wish any of my cd players worked. i wish i didnt have shit happening every damn night. i cant really get free with shit happening hanging over me. i want a million things and i .
what do i want?
--a tattoo (but what?)
--freedom to queer pursuals
--friends that i like
--to drink and smoke
--not to spend time on things obligated
--room to do art. time to do art.
--a real job
--to travel
--excitement and changes
--variety
--martial arts/yoga/kickboxing lessons
--to pay back my loans
--direction
--a different weekend than mon/tues
--a stimulating life
my life is not stimulating, its depressing. its lethargy. its boredom. its a dull headache. its stifling. its repression. its anethstetizing. it plods along like a tired ox. its an excuse. its muddy indecision. its not a lack of possibilities, but a plethora and the fucking permanence of each. its doubt and uncertainty, lack of confidence. its tiny little moments of hope that keep me here. tiny little moments where i enjoy myself that keep me from seeking real changes.
not that i know what the fuck i want to do. one thing i have to keep an eye on - i want to get rid of my damn debts. so i should really be following a job that gets me some more moola. so what are my priorities exactly? family, activism, money, community. any big city is more than likely going to lead me to everything but family. maybe we should just get to new york. ponge has family out there... i know jack shit about new york. but there are jobs out there, right? and im sure there is assloads of things going on, i mean, its new york for fucks sake. i want a CIGARETTE> and i am just depressed enough not to care, and just to want to go smoke! yeah! fucke everything!
