damn. i really need to channel all of this outrage. i make heady attempts to stay on top of the shit goin down in the world, especially that for which my country is responsible. but i get all to easily sucked into the hate of the individual who perpetuates what i've condemned. i attack and condemn the individual, and my communications are totally ineffective. or at least not effective in the way i mean. i mean whats the answer? fucking fuck-fuck. so my friend shaun called the cat a fairy the other day and i snapped on him. i know he didnt mean fairy like faggot but
what happened to this fuckin diary anyway? i used to bare all the intimate everything into here, and now im fuckin afraid to do it. was it all so easy to do while i was out of the country and i didnt have to see the people i was talking about? what was all that shit about people having lives that needed explaining and blunt communications to assist in the humanizing of the world or whatever the philosophy was when i sent out this address to like 50 people i know.
recent life event #1: i am in a huge and retarded fight with my dad. do i only say the word retarded like that because i dont know any People with Disabilities. or because i cant spell ridiculous.. anyway. essentially he cussed me out as follows: "Who the hell are you taliking to? i DONT APPRECIATE YOUR PSUEDO INTELLICTUAL SELF-CENTERED ASSUMPTIONS. wHAT MAKES YOU THINK ANY OF THAT WAS PERSONALLY DIRECTED? i DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE TO ENGAGE IN ARM CHAIR CONVERSATIONS? tHEN god dAMN IT DONT SEND THE SHIT IF YOU DONT WANT RESPONSES. wHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPRECT? SPUTTER SPUTTER..."
to which i basically freaked out. looking back on it now i guess what he wrote wasnt that bad. except that i think what really pissed me off was the psuedo-intellectual part. maybe i am a psuedo-intellectual, i dont really know. i dont really even know what an intellectual might be, but thats all besides the point. the point that pissed me off was that he really doesnt know what the fuck i think about the majority of the subjects in the world. we never talk about anything really and we never have. because....DINGDINGDINGDING....he was never the fuck around really. he was doing drugs and alcohol and god. which, if ya cant tell, i have some issues around. one might say im bitter and angry, even. so i suppose the REAL reason i was angry is that he really has no right to call me psuedo-intellectual because he has no base of conversation or knowing me as a person rather than a stereotype of a peace activist.
so i had been putting effort into getting a real relationship with him for years, and never really getting anywhere with it. one time in college, say 3 years ago, i was on the phone with him like, uh, you know there are issues between us right? and the whole conversation after that was really fuckin awkward. as i suppose i would have had to have been. i dont know what i really wanted. an apology? maybe just a recognition that he fucked up. maybe just a recognition that i was angry. that i had a right to be angry. that i wanted to move on.. that i needed to see some effort from him.
and its like, i see effort every now and again. like when he condemned my marriage and told me to tell everyone that my "white american father forbids it." i know he did that from a place of concern...or like when he emailed me stories about his youth when i was abroad. that was effort. that was at least communication. i just cant stand this attitude hes had his whole life that he has automatic importance in my life because he contributed to half my genes. the im your Father self-importance drives me nuts. i'll give that importance to a certain degree and the rest has to be earned, buddy.
im just so sick of the flip-flop. like why the hell bother to get emotionally attached to us having a "real" relationship when it can all go to piss so fast and i just get stressed and upset when it does. and i just really never stop publicly bashing my father. i talk shit about him all the time. i mean, i dont really talk about him that often compared to other topics, but when i do its always something like making fun of how much of a zealot he is or talking about how much my mom worked her ass off to provide while he drank or some such thing.
the email i sent in response i didnt think to send myself a copy of, but i know that i bitched about how he doesnt know shit about me, told him to fuck off, and called him an asshole. shit i think towards him quite frequently between our little deceptions of peace or signs of growth or whatever the hell the good moments are. maybe i really just need to have it out with him. he now wants to try not swearing as some sort of basic communications step.
you know maybe part of its the disillusionment. maybe i havent really gotten over it yet. i really didnt have any issues with him until i was like 15 when i had a big phone fight with him and just realized how much he didnt know me and didnt trust me and what the huge difference was in the relationship i had with my mom and what she had done for us versus the one i didnt have with my dad and what he hadnt done for us. not that he's never done anything. but its like, can you really make up for a whole lost childhood?
i possibly could forgive him if he didnt keep asserting that he's My Father, To Be Respected. if he could stop fucking acting like he's been such a father to me we could possible develop some sort of relationship that was steady.
does it feel good to be angry? no. i know its all tied into the past and im sure this same conversation with another person would not make me feel this way.
i need to let go of this crap somehow, expunge it for my body. and lets see, what other crap do i carry around? im white, american, middle class-ish, live with my mommy, smoke cigarettes, judge people too harshly, dont have anyone that i both am friends and scholars with, am in a terrible stress about moving to mpls (that is, finding an apartment in a location that i like at a price we can afford and getting a job --i hope!!!--- with a group i know virtually nothing about, friends and life up there, leaving my family, blah balh. SHIT.
one thing about life up there: we will not have a cat. let alone three. and i love the cats, but i wont miss the sneezing and itching and hair. oh, and quitting the co-op. GOD i dont even know who to talk to. i guess becca coz she's my manager, and thats if she hasnt already heard about it since now a number of people i work with know about it. i just am terrified but i also just want to get it over with coz thank god then i can actually talk about some of the most important stuff in my life right now with my co-workers but i dont want to do it until after mpls coz then i will know if i have a job or apartment or not.
and that is not for another...TWO WEEKS. as in i have this week to work through (tuesday off) until sunday then i leave for four days then i come back friday the 11th to work. then i know if i can say - well, ive accepted an offer there. or just, well i've found an apartment there. GODDAMN i hope we can find a place. when the hell else will we be able to go up together? and ponge wants to get back ASAP on thursday which is like. oky, why didnt you explain that when we planned the dates so we could plan different ones coz that cuts things short so we REALLY better find an apt. and damn a job please please.
and im so nervous even if i do get the job, like how much is real organizing and how much is organization-pushing. honestly, one major thing i've learned is that its the work that's important and not at all the group that formed to do it. groups can get so wound around keeping themselves around that they become ineffective at organizing for real change. i really hope to find that The Org is lead by people of color because i really want to de-white my spaces and get uncomfortable and learn like hell.
and i will really miss the stuff i do here but i suppose i have faith that i will find stuffs to do there. i want to find multi-generational stuffs like i have here.
wow. i think i might be able to breath now. u n l o a d.
