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drug use et al.

14 jun 2004 mon - 22:03

soo... me pops & i are on amends. here is a string of the latest emails:

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DAD wrote:

Hi. I just wanted to tell you that it was very good to learn that you stopped smoking thc that long ago. That is very good indeed. A clear mind is essential. Yes? I am glad also to know that Ponge is set against it. That helps all of us. It was a shock to me to learn that there were clear-headed people in the world. Thank God for great Blessings. I remember the idea of "circumstances" being right for me to use/gethigh. Big mistake. Leaves the door open. It is a door that needs to be welded shut. To live LIFE on its own terms, as it was meant to be, instead of experienceing it through drug-affected senses. There was a time I could not imagine not having the option. Hell, I always have the option. The bars will never close, the dealers will all never be hung, the consumer will seek. BUT. I. I can live clear-minded. What a wonderful idea!

Clear minded!!! Then, and only then do I stand/have a fighting chance to understand and function as I am, not as some altered rendition of the true self. For the sake of escape, trend, what? For the sake of what? Getting high only serves the ultimate purpose of personal derailment. Ever see a long-term success? Really? If the person seems successful, look closer.

Users are losers. Period. Glad you have felt that. I cant say enough against it. Sounds like I'm getting a bit off on this, but I have seen the two sides clearly. And the results. You and I doing this at this point in time are some of the long-term effects of alcoholism in families. Distance, confusion, seperation, anger, lonliness, isolation, depression, .... all by-products of Alcoholism In Families. Love, Dad.

----- Original Message -----

From: KELLY

Sent: Monday, June 14, 2004 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Stuff.

hey

i think this a particular point on which you and i differ, and one that aggravated me over the years. i think that context is essential in discussing any drug usage (in discussing any topic, really), while you take the position that any drug use is bad (and tend to take absolutist positions in general as far as i recollect). perhaps for you and many others 100% drug-free is what works, but i am not fundamentally opposed to drug usage, per se. i am of the opinion that there are individuals who use can drugs recreationally -- in a manner that does not interfere with their responsibilities & relationships. i agree that a good deal of drug use is inappropriate and has negative impacts on people's lives... yet there are, in the world, a good deal of people who believe drugs can assist in obtaining another point of view that helps one out in expanding understandings of everyday life. there are also people who think that it is legitimate to at times spend one's free time using substances just for fun, with no philosophy involved. this is not *necessarily* a sure-fire path to constant and uncontrolled usage, such as yours was. i dont think your particular, though not uncommon, experience with drug use gives you a position from which you can judge ALL forms of drug use. i have a hard time in that i think you take your individual experience & your interpretations of others' experiences and apply this as a universal rule that all should come to see as you do. i grant that there are many that agree with you (some of whom have written books), and i grant that legitimacy in *their* lives; but i would that you grant that many disagree with you, and that there may be legitimacy in this in *their* lives.

honestly, i dont really expect you to grant this. look, i love you, and i dont want to offend you, but one of the issues i have had for years is as such:

there is a saying in wolof, dafe deggal sa bopp rekk. it means, he only listens to his own head. it reminds me of speaking with you about any topic where we disagree - you really only listen to your own head. whatever arguments or points are made in the way of the other position, you do not hear them. your mind is made up and you are not willing to be open to the complexity of opinion. its not necessarily that i wish you to adopt MY position, but that you are not even willing to grant that my position may have validity - although you disagree. if i make a point that forces a change in position, you will say that that is the position you were taking all along. i really dont think you know how to be open to discussions that dont directly support what you already think. this makes it really discouraging to engage in much conversation with you, this makes me not even bring up many subjects that are important to me. this means i am not really being myself around you, which means our relationship is weak at best. saying this to you is hard, because i dont want to create friction.

but there is a concept also in which that it is not despite struggle, but *through* struggle that unity arrives. im tired of *not* struggling with you. so i'm going to try to be as tactfully forthright as i can and we'll just have to deal with the shit as it flys, so to speak.

love, k.

-------------------------------

DAD wrote:

Dear Kelly. It has not occured to you that I have been there, done that and THAT is the reason for my particular views. I, indeed shared your exact thoughts/ideas/philosophy on "recreational" drug use. Therein lies the trap. If you do not believe that, talk/listen/learn from your other elders who also have been there, done that and as a result, must conclude differently. It is an old song, sung by the uninitiated, the inexperienced, the ones who think their thoughts are original and do not see further down the road. I do not use and am totally against any and all "recreational" use because I have learned from a few decades of "recreational" use just what the truth is. It is called a trap for a reason. I caught this email just as I was leaving for work. I gotta go. I am against that which is bad for the people. I now know that drugs PERIOD fall into that category wholly and completely. A clear mind is always a better mind. Please take no offense, if you do, ask yourself why would I defend drug use? It is plain simple truth that we humans need all of our faculties to function. Love you, gotta go cut hose. Dad.

-----------------------------------

KELLY wrote:

what about all the people that have used recreationally and DIDNT fall into that trap? what about people like me who have used but still have their stuff fairly well together? or still do use (beer/cigs) but its not some downward spiral (well maybe the cigs, but i hardly see myself increasing the alcohol use--my happiness and means of escape are otherwise based)? there are plenty of people in the world who use and are not steadily getting more addicted or whatnot...does casual use not exist at all for you? i just really think that what was a trap for you is not a trap for all. i also think that your clear head is another's clouded head. not that i personally have experience with this, but what about indigenous groups that use in a context of religious belief/spiritual awakening? do they fall under the same framework for you as young people that use for fun? is no use at all ever acceptable?

it HAS occured to me that you been there done that, except you DID get trapped and many people DONT, IMHO. one of my points is that the path YOU (any many others) took in your use is not a gauranteed path for every person that touches drugs. i just dont know (and i mean i really dont know - correct me if im wrong) if you know what it is to use casually. to have that be and remain a minor aspect of your life rather than have it become the only/main thing in your life. am i wrong in that you personally have not had that experience?

anyway drug use is not the major point of that last email, tho i understand you were on your way to work. by the way, i have no contact info for any of my relatives in milwaukee/on your side of the family (other than david, of course). i would like to invite them to the wedding reception, could you either give me their info so i can invite them or/and pass my email along to everyone? thanks!

k.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++end+++++

yeah. you know, i really AM NOT concerned about my drug use. there was a time, maybe, when i was 15 that i should have been concerned. but though i drink i hardly have rich soil for alcoholism. i dont like being hungover and i dont like most liquors - im a beer girl. not that you cant become an alcoholic with beer, but fuck, i just like myself and my life too much. and i've been through some shit but survived it well enough. in that survival i have learned skills to help me through other crises. i mean, you really never know i guess but its really true that if you get involved in shit you're too busy to be a fuck-up. a chain-smoker, that i can see. but supposedly i'm going to quit again, someday. and i'm never going to stop being involved in stuff, though the nature and what it is may change. working with other people to effect change is the only measure i have by which to keep sane.

i do tend to get overly upset/angry/depressed by the state of the world, but that doesnt stop me from loving myself and wanting to take at least semi-decent care of my body and mind.

(previous) :::: (next)

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26 oct 2005 wed - my dead diary.

14 jun 2004 mon - drug use et al.

11 jun 2004 fri - stuff to take care of

01 jun 2004 tue - quit again again again

30 may 2004 sun - u n l o a d

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