It's easy to be unhappy. Half the people I know are on Paxil or another med. Maybe I just have never been as unhappy as them, or maybe I've never really been as insane. I can't really tell. I don't blame people for taking meds, but I have my heart so set against it and it makes me sad. I can't help but feel like if people have a community that they feel supported by and can honestly discuss what is happening with the community and receive love and support then they can probably get through what theyre freakin on. I know that when I feel fucked up or severly depressed or upset or confused I am better after I've shared my problems. It's not like it makes them go away, but it takes that edge off. But it's true that not everyone has that community... and it's true that I don't really know what other people are going through so maybe my anti-med theories aren't valid. Most of my med experience had previously been from my brother and Shana. Those two were given free samples of prozac and paxil, respectively, straight from the psych's desk the very first time they entered. Not much thought was given to the social situations the two were in, which in my opinion had a LOT to do with their various psychological conditions. Meds may help, many say they do.
But I feel about meds like I feel about Burger King or face lifts or make up... god. Our culture teaches us to hate our bodies and our personalities and our clothing and each other and to fear vulnerability and to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and that we can have anything we want instantaneously if we have enough money and that it's our fault if we don't. And if we understand anything of real history and start to get over these cultural demands, it's not really any better because then we understand how fucked the world is, how power and money rule the day and how all our wars are not fought over justice and good vs. evil like we are taught, but over economics and fuck everyone else over because you need money and power and good fucking luck changing things. So depression is a common and expected mental state, and as fucked as things are and as many bad things that happen I'm sure mental instability is a totally normal reaction. But then there is this pill you can take to help you deal with it..which helps but you are still being fed this shit that is exactly whats fucked about amerika...the quick fix, take this manufactured product and make it a necessary part of your life and dont worry about changing the world, changing what makes everyone so unhappy. Our lives are so manipulated.
I agree with Assata Shakur when she says that "the more active I became the more I liked it. It was like medicine, making me well, making me whole. I was home. For the first time, my life felt like it had some real meaning." Activism is the only cure i know to what ails me. I am working towards change, I am working towards what I believe in. I am struggling. I am not the person I can be yet, but I am going to keep struggling. And what I do may not be immediately felt, but history changes with patience and time. And maybe someday, like Assata, I can be inspiration to a generation of new ones. She gives me hope and reminds me of what is real in the midst of this stagnant limbo I am stuck in. I am not working, and I don't like it. I am not involved in anything, and I don't like it. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, because i am grateful for the priviledge I have (though maybe not nearly grateful enough). But it's...not something I feel okay about.
My priviledge comes at the expense of others disadvantage, disease, death. As Utah Philips was taught, I need to rid myself of the weapons of priviledge. I hope going to Senegal is the right decision. Because I could have finished school this year, I have only one more class. I could have started an organizing job right away...the resources I am abusing to make it there astound and depress me. But I am there to hopefully gain a better understanding of international struggles; which will hopefully better prepare me to fight for the rights of all creatures worldwide, because everything is linked and as an amerikan hopefully my standing up and saying NO i dont want "my" government to behave this way will amount to something...it's fucked but as far as what I've learned has taught me, being white middle class amerikan gives me a louder voice than a lot of people, the people who actually know what the hell is going on because it's happening to them and not because they saw a documentary or read some books and took some classes. I'm afraid of being wrong and arrogant in my struggles. Do I have the right to use my voice to call attention to that of those othered? Is that condescending? I don't mean to be if so and I don't know another way..I have a lot to learn.
life is pretty amazing.
