Today I took a nap at my dads house in Milwaukee. Among a lot of other things that happened in my dream, I was in a hallway at the top of some building, maybe a hotel and I paused to have sex with this faceless male. We stood on a old style mustard yellow couch (the type probably called a davenport in its day) and he had a plasticy white penis and he started to fuck me against the wall while I wrapped my legs around his back. I started to feel his back and he had a lump right where his coccyx was...I looked and he had a short little tail, a human tail. I semi-wondered if he wasn't secretly a demon but decided not to care/discriminate and instead got excited cuz I was fucking someone with a tail. The sex was really good, and I woke up in the middle of it. I was pissed but I wasn't able to get back to sleep.
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Dad only made fun of me a little when he saw how I was dressed and that I had my septum pierced. I think he sensed my hostility and mood to fight if he was too obnoxious. We talked about the letter he wrote to me and I feel better about things now. Also, hes been doing a lot of research into our family history, which is cool cuz I know nothing about it and I would like to.
Apparently my great great grandfather settled land from Ulysses S Grant "given" to the European settlers in New London. I kept thinking about how that land wasn't fucking grants to give. And about the slave economy vs the new industrial economy in the north.. What kind of pride can I have in "my people?"
I got to see Grandma Hxxxxxxxx and to meet my Great Aunt Geri (Geraldine), who I didn't even know had existed. She was pretty cool and totally on top of her shit. Dad seems to be stuck in some time zone but my Great Aunt wasn't at all.
My father saw the signs my mom had for ending sanctions in Iraq and asked why. He seems really brainwashed by the medias presentation of the issue, and I told him as much. He denied it but didn't back up why he was right. I don't know a shitton about the issue...I know enough to think sanctions aren't hurting anyone but the Iraqi people who are starving and lack medical care, etc. Ii know that the USA has been flying military planes over Iraqi space for 12 years almost every single day and bombs civilian targets because the military targets are in the center of civilian space. I know they use something they call 'precision guided missles" what the fuck is that? Either something is precise or its not. Doubletalk for it misses a fucking lot. They had some asshole from the military on NPR talking about how the fact that we are the only country to use these missles means that we are obviously the only one that cares about civilians. I wonder if he didn't think about the fact that the us has such an enormous military budget that we can afford to use expensive missles to pretend we tried not to kill nonmilitary targets...I doubt GW gives two shits about the Iraqi people. As he stated recently, he wants to change the regime there. He didn't state that the new regime should be the USA, but I don't think its too hard to read between the lines. Oil. Oil. Oil.
Nonetheless, the day went far better than I had thought it would.
The more I go on the more I think poverty is the way to go. However, medical insurance is really important, so what kind of job doesnt pay much but has really good benefits? I guess when I say poverty I probably don't really even mean poverty. I mean I want a small space to live, enough food and the occasional drink.
God. At least when I leave people won't be asking me the same questions to which I have been responding with the same answers for months. (They will probably ask me a different set of the same questions)
Have you graduated? Where is Senegal? What are you studying there? Do they speak english there? Do you speak French? Will you be living in a hut? What is MSID? How long will you be gone? Are you excited?
That last one is the worst, and I think it's because I feel like everyone expects me to be giddy with joy and say yes yes oh my god its so crazy! Honestly I just feel really really calm about the whole thing. I don't feel nervous, or sad, or excited. I'm glad I'm going and I feel lucky and grateful, but I've been planning this for two years so I'm not surprised about it. It's been on the horizon for a long time now. That's how I planned my college degree to go, and after I found out I got into the program I didn't really have any doubts that it would go through since I have always qualified for loans and I have a small scholarship.
I didn't win a vacation, I'm going to study and its going to be hard to adjust. I get occasional bits of excitement. Maybe I'm just in shock or something. Maybe I cried all my tears already. Maybe I won't really get excited until im there, or in the plane. I'm sure I'll cry again. But I don't really think that will happen until I'm in-country.
Shaun and my brother are playing battleship...it makes me really happy.
