being queer in senegal.*what to even say... i mean, as far as my boyfriend knows we are in an exclusive relationship and there is no question that i might be queer. we've never talked about our sexualities, but there is just an assumption there. the exclusive part really only counts for in-country. does he really need to know that i still fuck my high school boyfriend when neither of us are in a relationship that forbids it? does he really need to know that i still have a partner in the states that i miss and write to all the time? i mean, co knows all about him, and ponge knows that we are finished when i move from the country. at least he should since thats what i told him. i need him to understand where im coming from so that i dont lead him on, but even when i say the right words i dont think he really hears them...
i dont think he would quite grasp the open relationship deal. i tried to talk to him about it; i told him he could have other girlfriends as long as i had the right to have other boyfriends. i dont think he really believed that i was serious, since he kept assuring me that he only had eyes for me. i never can really believe what he says when he talks about me. god, i wish he wasnt so full of shit.
i dont want to hurt him but its impossible to tell when he is just saying shit and when he is serious. the first day i met him he was saying he was going to marry me (to which i said i never want to marry anyone ever, which is always shocking for people here and requires explanations, and usually people-especially old men-try to convince me otherwise) and that it was love at first sight (i argued this doesnt exist). he writes things like "you are my soul, my eternity" and has been saying "when i look at you, i cannot help but admire you" from the beginning. he has told me he loves me several times. i told him not to say that, i knew it wasnt true and i told him i didnt want love.
but i dont really think he does, either. at least he didnt in the beginning..i really think a lot of the reason he was and is interested in me is because he wants to go to the united states and earn money to build a home for his family (parents, aunts, cousins, etc) to all live in together since they are spread out all over right now for financial reasons. i know this is his dream. i also dont think he really believes im serious when i say i wont marry him or anyone ever. i think he thinks he can win me over, despite my discouragement. but meanwhile he has a girlfriend with money who pays for everything on the rare occassions when we go out; and we are physically interactive.
my relationship with ponge i think is the strangest i've ever had. we've technically been together for about 3 months, but actual time spent together probably adds up to like three weeks since im so busy and since i lived in KMS for 3 weeks of the 3 months. in addition, im really not very emotionally involved in the relationship, which is really unusual for me. even for the complete asshole that was randy, i was pretty emotionally involved. i mean, im fond of ponge and i want all his dreams to come true. i like his family and i like to hang out with him and his friends. we have a nice sexual rapport.
i think part of it is that i was advised to never talk about being queer with anyone (although i have in a theoretical way with bro lamine). queer acts are punishable by up to 5 years in jail and a large fine. they are forbidden very heavily by koranic law in addition; and basically everyone i know is muslim (whether thay are tijane, mouride, baay fall, or any of the other divisions, it is equally forbidden)
so i heavily hesitate to talk to ponge about something which is so present in my life. hiding things from people isnt a good way to feel close to them. i also have been suspicious of his motives for being with me for awhile. i know his dream, and i know that it is extremely difficult to get a VISA to the states, especially now, living in a muslim country. he has told me over and over that it is the primary thing on his mind. he also finally brought it up last sunday - the fact that i could help him get his VISA.
honestly i have no problem helping him get it, within boundaries. i wont marry him to do it. and if he needs to live with me in the states to get it he and i need to have many long talks about exactly who i am and how i envision my life there so that he understands what he is getting himself into. he needs to know that if we were still together it wouldnt be exclusive at all; and in fact he probably wouldnt even be my primary attention. i dont know if he can deal with that. i know hes had more than one girlfriend at a time, but that is different than me having more partners than just he. anyway koranic law allows a man to have up to four wives, though a woman may have only one husband.
anyway, he told me his playing two girls at once over now. i dont really mind if it isnt, i actually dont really even mind if hes lying coz i can understand why he would. my only prob would be that i am unnecessarily avoiding starting a relationship with anyone else. i said i wouldnt, and i said if i wanted to i would talk with him about it first and wouldnt just do it. it would be very easy to have another boyfriend without his knowledge. but i just dont feel comfortable doing that to another person, even if i think he may have more girlfriends than just i.
apparently ive decided to play straight and keep to guys while im here, which is kind of sad. i dont know when and how that developed.. i guess it started with my family. way in the beginning when i was first getting to know senegal and my family (still in process, but a lot more new then) i ended up in a conversation about being queer with my brother lamine. he said he thought it was an american culture thing, that it didnt really exist here. i said i doubt that is true, and i bet he knows people that are queer and doesnt realize it. he said he didnt; i looked at him and said are you sure ? he looked at me kind of funny and i got scared and told him that in the US a lot of people hide it because they are afraid of what will happen to them and their relationships with family and other societal members if they dont. he didnt understand how people could be attracted like that. i asked him if hed ever been attracted to a girl that his friend thought was ugly, and he said yes. i said it was like that - people have different tastes is all. i cant explain why, some combo of genes and life paths create attractions that vary. only the weight of history makes it all a lot more complicated than it really is.
this is the first time in a long time that ive hidden anything important to me. in general i find a lot of society's rules pointless and shallow and militantly refuse to diminish any aspect of myself in order to comply. i decided a long time (well, long for my short life) ago that i wasnt going to try to fit in. rather, i wanted to be as strong a me as possible and change peoples expectations or just not give a shit if they wouldnt be changed. like in high school, i did a shit-ton of drugs (relatively, but no heroin or crack; the addictives scared me) and looked all fucked up compared to a lot of people but i refused to dress how people thought i should and still outdid my counterparts in many of my classes. especially the harder ones. sort of a fuckyou, how i look and how i spend my free time doesnt mean i dont like to learn and im not capable...
i suppose one thing thats happened is ive somehow learned when its appropriate to stash my pride, my determination to break down peoples stereotypes and expectations. i learned when i can let go of one goal for a short while to complete other goals. is that copping out or is that wisdom?
what would happen if i somehow found a girlfriend in all this? would my family kick me out? would the country ship me to the USA? would my senegalese "friends" be afraid of me? im sure it would freak my sister out. we share a room and a bed and we undress in front of each other. she might think i was looking at her or hitting on her when i wasnt. i think a lot of people not used to queer people get freaked out because they dont know what the signs are for someone of your same sex classification to be hitting on you. what is friendly touch and what is being hit on? better to just avoid the person all together...
its a little different when someone of female sex classification is queer. i think its less threatening to the status quo. except my sister, all my friends here are guys so its not like id be threatening in the same way as if they were all girls.
right, right. comments welcome
