pulled out all my tresses on sunday, getting new ones put in tomorrow. found out my stupid internship place still hasnt moved into their new office after two months of me waiting on it. they said early feb for sure so i waited only to find out today that they are actually building their new place and it wont be finished for awhile coz they have funding problems or something. meanwhile the office isnt really doing anything. so i am not working with them i will find some other group. my directrice promised i would be starting by monday, somewhere.
spent the afternoon with ponge again. being with him is a lot like it was when i was with shaun in high school. the relationship is very vanilla and sweet and i hate leaving when i am with him. i love just looking at his face and watching him move..
oh fuck.. man i am soo screwed. i have actually seriously considered what my life would be like if i stayed in senegal and worked here and we had children and built a life together. pretty amazing, i never ever thought i would think about anyone that way. of course the thoughts were quickly driven away by other ones of me and v.
and how young i am and how probably half of what i feel for ponge is just a really great physical relationship
(really i think its the easiest, most pleasurable, and least awkward sexual relationship ive ever had with a boy; being as ive ever only really sexually interacted with three girls and none of those times did we really have a chance to develop a proper sexual relationship i dont think i can include them in my comparison base)
and how im still not totally convinced that what he says is not beyond what he actually feels when he talks about me, though i think most of it is true. but in any case i love to be with him.. i love to smell his sweatshirt and hair when we hold each other and the feel of his beautiful lips on mine; i have never really been one for lots of kissing but with him its different.. shit. shitshit.
something about living in this society makes marriage and starting a family life seem like something that is plausible and desirable and would actually work.
when im with him i feel really secure and happy and i feel afraid because i feel that good. ponge says that he feels afraid too and doesnt want to be attached to me since he knows im leaving.
i dont understand what my extremely good fortune with relationships has been in this past year; usually i get the shaft, and hard. i mean last summer i was extremely happy with jordan and then i wasnt, but the relationship was still a good one even if it fizzled out in a manner that i (maybe he as well) didnt deal with very well - probably would have been better if i wasnt drunk half the time and if i hadnt been kind of spazzing out coz i was about to upheave my entire life and move here; and then theres v who is this amazing intelligent passionate lovely person that i feel i can tell absolutely anything to and i have the good fortune to have captured v's attention and somehow retained it despite being thousands of miles away. wow but we are exploring ourselves with other people in totally different ways; it will be interesting to make comparisons. oh and to be clear, i started seeing v at the same time as jordan and they are friends and such and actually it was jordan that told me v was interested in me and its not like we have an open relationship while im away or something its just that its always been open.
what a great fucking concept. you can connect spiritually and mentally and physcially with more than one person at a time, what a joy to be able to follow those connections instead of redirecting them and always wondering, whatif? and having some messy breakup coz you resent loss of freedom or going ahead and cheating or just thinking about cheating a lot; well there is no damn cheating and in addition you can talk with someone you trust about how things are going with someone else and get advice and such. the trick i think is to grow out of possessive feelings like jealousy and insecurity; which of course is easier said than done but a struggle (a tao if you will) well worth undertaking i think.
my life here feels like a dream. i keep dreaming about being back in the states and then i remember in my dream that i havent returned to the states yet so then i either have moderate control over what is happening or i wake up and have a new dream.
i feel like if i lived here for years i would become very senegalese-woman like and i would accept my roles as a woman as long as my husband accepted his as a man. i would take my place in society to show respect for the collective fabric that weaves the daily functions of my life. there is something very beautiful and honorable about being a woman in this society. something that takes away my hate of gender roles and sex roles and.. just makes me see the whole world as very young. many people dont understand yet about the range of human existance, but its okay; i think they will. the world is just young.
a lot of the things that are wrong with the world are just growing pains; i dont know if humanity will make it long enough for the race to be mature - our lives are so short and distracted and communication forms so limited - but i think we're headed there.
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i do not follow my own philosophies to the T, i am not mature. but i think i am headed there, and i feel really positive about where my life is going and am an extremely fortunate girl. i feel like i am going to live a long time, but if i should die today i would die grateful and happy.
