i am moving through a hilly neighborhood on a very snowy night, looking for margaret. she lives in a huge house of hippies, i search all the rooms and talk to the peeps who keep directing me upstairs and finally on a porch on the roof; but she is not there. i go into a living room type area on the top floor and sit down on the couch and ask the peeps to leave a message for me. everything is darkish, and no one has any faces, they are just blurry figures. there is a box of pills on the table that becomes liquid when i dip my finger in to grab a pill; as i result i have dipped my left fore finger in the white liquid, the tip only. my whole body is immediately overwhelmed with the best rushing pleasure sensation of my life, like peeking on E only more hyped up. i want to steal some of this drug, its really really good. but i dont really know how since there are so many people. i start to tell people about the drug, saying they should drink it - if i got that great of an experience from just touching it imagine if you consume it! i run around doing errands then come back to the house later, it is still dark inside; i look at my finger and notice the nail bed is rotting and there is pus leaking out, shit, i think; and i told people to drink it! those that have are now dead and all fucked up looking, but only in a mind/spirit way and they are looking to kill the rest of us. the dead-alive now greatly outnumber the alive and it is day and i am outside the house trying to trick the dead that are trying to get in... there are a lot more details but i cant remember them all.best conversation ever:
random guy: hey toubab, bon soir toubab.(hey toubab, good evening toubab)
me: bon soir, mais tuddal ma toubab. j'ai un nom tu sais - kelly. (good evening, but my name isn't toubab, i have an actual name - kelly)
random guy: mais, non, toubab - �a veut dire les blancs-(but, no, toubab - that means white person-)
me: (interuppting) waaw, xaam naa; mais ne naa kelly laa tudd. noo tuddu? (yeah, i know; but i said that my name was kelly. whats your name?)
random guy: (looks at me blankly)
girl (apparently has more of a clue that this boy) overhearing conversation intervenes and _irritably repeats what i've said.
random guy: oh. tapha
me: enchant�. (nice to meet you)
i hold out my right hand and we shake.
tapha: vous �tes fran�aise?
me: no, amerikan laa. (no, i'm american)
tapha: France, woo! fofou dafe sed! (France, woo! its cold there!
me: degg la, mais j'ai dit que je suis americaine. pourquoi quand je dis que je suis americaine tout le monde me dit qu'il fais froids en France? (thats true, but i said i was american. why when i say im from the states does everyone proceed to say its cold in france?)
tapha: parce que tu resemble une fran�aise. because you look french
me: ah bon? mais je ne suis pas fran�aise. ma famille vient d'irelande et d'allemagne. (oh really? but im not french, my family comes from ireland and germany.)
tapha: says nothing.
thought: what the hell does being white have to do with me knowing what the weather is like in france? as a black male, would i expect him to relate to the the weather in nigeria or be able to talk about the food in an american penetentiary? no.
the kinds of dumb shit people say here irritate me less than the kinds of dumb shit i hear in the states.. i dont know why that is. maybe i can see better why people here might not be very informed since the resources are so limited whereas in the states the most ignorant things will come out of the people who have the highest access to resources.
lately ive been trippin out a little. im getting closer to all these people and i cant even be like, damn that girl has a nice ass with most of them. like my bro and i could prolly eyefuck together but..
how can i possibly have hallucinations about marrying ponge or even being serious with him when IM FUCKING QUEER GODDAMMIT. ive never been in the closet before and it just aint some shit i can deal with, afraid to tell people coz they might freak out; like aziz's girlfriend who just about shit her pants when i said i didnt want to marry ever. i want to bring it up, but i would have to be seriously prepared to lose ponge, his whole family, and almost all of my friends here. maybe thats why ive been feeling lately like ive been dreaming or hallucinating or something. my life isnt real. its like this story ive created for myself that would be very pretty if i were to spend the rest of my life here for some reason that i couldnt change..
but -what, i mean its possible that my senegalese friends would one day be in the states and of course id welcome them to stay with me as long as they needed to but id have to be like; hey the me you knew there isnt the same me that lives in america.
i dont know how to make these two people the same person. they are the same when i am with my american friends, but they are different when i am with my senegalese friends. WHAT IS GOING ON
i feel like i am headed for some serious trouble and i am afraid of what will happen when i go back home. hooome. that word has too many meanings. foo dekk? everywhere, nowhere.. in some ways i cant wait to go back, in many ways i am filled with a sense of dread. my whole world will disappear when i leave. its not like im just moving a state away; this is across the everfucking world. dammit. why must i always get unhappy and freak out before a move? trying to anticipate is not doing me any good. there must be some sort of methodology to deal with this situation, which i seen to encounter frequently. perhaps remembering that being unhappy now about possible unhappiness in the future doesnt do a shit of good is a start.
yeah. all the mental preparation in the world isnt going to change what will happen when i get there, and will just stress me for no reason while here.
there is no future.
