i spent the last several days at a beachfront bungalow hotel complex thing in a little town south of dakar called toubab dialow. i find it highly amusing that this tourist spot has the name toubab in it.. (that means foreigner/nonafrican). it was very very chill, i did nothing but sit around and bullshit with emily and kris (the other two year-long girls) and space out and sleep. beautiful long beaches and sun and such. however one thing living on the ocean has taught me is that i prefer a forest to a beach. i prefer to be full of dirt rather than sand and to look at bugs and such rather than crabs. dirt can just sort of rub into your body and become part of you, while sand is irksome and must be washed off. also when you dont have real hair you cant swim because it gets all crusty if you get it full of salt water and falls out and gets more scraggly if you wash it. definitely the last time im getting long pieces of plastic woven onto my skull. what a fucking wierd concept. i wonder how long women here have been doing that?
women here have to have long hair; if not they get told they dont want a boyfriend (though many of them probably dont want one). adji told me that when she moves out of her house the first thing she will do is shave her head. apparently her dad would kick her out if she did that now.
so back to the queer story, n'est pas?
i dont know what else there is to say, except that later ponge asked me a few questions; he wanted to know if in the future if i liked a girl would i go out with her. i said yes. he said if he and i were together... i said ponge it works like normal relationships. you and i aren't with other people, this is the terms of our relationship. therefore i would not get with anyone besides you while with you. he said this is what he wanted to know. then he asked who was a better sexual partner, him or the girl i dated. well i said him, because its true in that i have a better, easier, more pleasurable sexual relationship with him.
but i need to qualify this. he and i have both had previous partners on which to experiment how to have pleasurable sex in a vanilla (mostly, he does trap my arms above my head when i give him a signal to) way. therefore we both know about what gives us pleasure and how to give pleasure back for this very specific type of sex. whereas with my girlfriend i had never had the sort of sex two physiologically female bodies armed with toys have so i sure didnt know what i was doing. it was still hella fun and i think could be just as pleasurable had we had time to fine tune our sexual relationship.
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so..i did something im not sure was smart. it certainly changes my happy life plans and makes a lot of things more complicated. but i did it and im not going to take it back. i told ponge i would help him get his VISA to come to the united states. an american citizen can write a letter of invitation to a senegalese citizen stating that they would like to host the senegalese for a specified period of time, and there is some paper work and interviews and money exchanged (i would not pay the money).
i told him this for a couple reasons. as ive written, he talks about us together in the future a lot. personally im not one who believes much in the future. not much is garaunteed in life and i kind of process as i go along, making semi-clear plans about a year in advance (for now) follow intuition and let my taotake me where it will. this has worked out pretty swell for me so far. ive told him this but he still believes in us together forever, or so he says anyway. he says he doesnt think he will ever meet another girl like me and that he doesnt want to lose me. i have no idea if this is true or not, being as i do not see into the future; but he either is or acts convinced. part of it is that it is basically unthinkable for a senegalese to remain unmarried in life; which i think causes people to sort of hold on to what they have and such.
well okay, im mildly open to the idea of a life partner if it happens to work out that way (as in, we stay happy and things continue to work well in the everpresent). but he only knows me in the senegalese context. so i tell him that before i can really take him seriously he would have to know me in an american context. theres a good chance he wont like what he sees and we will have problems and break up. there are cultural differences between us that currently dont cause any problem, but may do so if we lived together as a couple in an american context.
well, if i leave and leave him here i am definitly breaking up with him. i love him and will miss him a lot, but i am not going to try to maintain a relationship with someone half a world away. if at some point in the future we would have the occasion to be together i am open to the possibility, but thats the future.
plus if somehow we do end up being together in life, he has to know me and american life. so there it is. it will either work out or it wont (IF he even gets the VISA that is) and in the meanwhile i would have the opportunity to help someone i love realize their dreams.
the idea of ponge living in the states with me complicates a lot of things, but my big problem is v. i love her too, and was really looking forward to being her non-monogamous partner again, which just isnt going to happen if ponge is living with me in the states. monogamy is the terms in which ponge and i are together, and i would not feel okay about breaking those unless he knew and was okay with it.
most of me highly doubts ponge and i will be together forever. ive fallen in vanilla love before.. it doesnt mean that person is my soulmate or life partner. it means that under the circumstances we were very right for each other. but im open to strangeness, so im also open to ponge and i working out really well and having a family and such. i do want children some day. and ponge has a very solid moral base, is generous, respectful, observant, doesnt drink, lives his life by his rules but leaves others to live theirs by their rules, is mega chill, and other qualities i would seek in a role model for children.
so thats my mild eye on the future, the general direction in which i steer; on vera quoi va se passer. (well see what happens)*
