life is going well. i had another hormone day in which something small happened and i proceeded to be unable to control myself and cry a bit. well, once in private, maybe more than a bit. i agree with angryquail that being on meds all the time (the pill) sucks ass. when they invent a pill for men ponge will take it and i will take nothing and he can be reduced to the emotional maturity of a fucking nine year old for several days every month. so anyway what happened is that some of our friends were eating out of a huge bowl on the ground (peeps dont usually use tables or individual dishes here) and i needed to pass by but there was no room so i stepped over the bowl. maybe it was kind of dumb and obvious but evidently that is extremely impolite. anyway i overreacted when ponge told me how it is correct to pass by and got kind of pissed at him as well. apparently i did this once before at the house; so i was pissed that he saw me do it once before and didnt bother to let me know and i had then done it in front of a group of people and so was embaressed and such.
also complicating this is that ponge told me that artur (a security gaurd for a bank near a friend's room that we chat with at times) had told him he saw me chewing a socc at night.
socc is wolof for a small stick you use to clean your teeth and chew on, sort of like a big ass toothpick that acts like a toothbrush. i have the habit of soccing because i like clean teeth and i have an oral fixation from eating a lot of candy as a child and smoking on and off from ages 10 through 21. but its (soccing)forbidden at night. no one can tell me why, people just say thats how it is.
i think this is stupid. the only reason i can think it might be bad is because if its dark you can't see very well and maybe someone could hit the stick and you could then cut your gums. seriously - dont chew on a stick at night? cultural relativism is nice and all, but i feel like im at the point were i can reject some of senegalese culture just as i reject some of american culture.
anyway so i was at the cash machine getting money for the toubab dialow trip (see previous entry) and my teeth were dirty so i used my socc to clean them. but when i came out of the cash cubicle thing i forgot to take the socc out of my mouth and put it in my bag so no one would know. i was talking to artur with it in my mouth and he didnt know i knew it was bad so he explained to me that it was. hoping for an answer, finally, as to why i asked why. of course i just got the old, it just is. thats what our parents told us and thats how it is. personally i dont really dig on following cultural customs without knowing their origin and/or logic. then i can decide if i think it makes sense or not. if there is no reason given and i cant see one, well, whats the point of following the rule? especially for something as inane as the socc deal.
so then as ponge recounted that artur talked to him about how he had told me not to socc; (and ponge knows i already had been told once) i just kind of got fed up. i felt frustrated that i couldnt do any shit without the whole world knowing and judging it. and i felt like i was being admonished like a child. one thing i enjoy is anonymity, and within the confines of medina (the neighborhood in which i live) that doesnt exist. its also a cultural adjustment problem, im used to americans who value privacy and minding your own business rather than social networks that operate to correct behavior all the time. in any case, the bowl deal i can understand; maybe something from the bottom of my feet might fall into the food. but the stick shit makes no sense to me.
but whatever ill be home soon and i can chew all the sticks i want at night then.
so i was all pissy and i wrote very frankly about it in my diary. ponge asked who i was writing to and i said it was a diary. he sat next to me and asked (in english), can i see? um, yeah. so we went through all the shit i was pissy about and discussed and such and he apologized, which i didnt really want coz it made me feel bad to see him hang his head and say im sorry; especially coz, as i explained to him, i was having a overly emotional reaction as a result of the fucking pill, not because the situation was very serious to me. after he said he was sorry i told him that he shouldnt because i wasnt frustrated with him specifically, just with the situation and cultural adjustment issues. he offered to tell people not to correct me anymore, but i dont really want that either. what i need is to not be so fucking sensitive.
when i get to the states im switching the pill to something that doesnt make me crazy. acne, nausea, and cramps are also lovely side effects of this pill.
anyway this is the closest thing weve ever had to problems between us, and the result was that we know each other better and such.
also later i asked him what he would do if we broke up. he said that would be up to me, unless i did something really serious he wouldn't break up with me. but for example if i wanted to break up with him for un autre or une autre he would never forget me and we would be friends and such and he would show my picture to his wife and talk about his american girlfriend. that phrase contains a couple important things for me: first that he said i might leave him for a girl (the une part) like it was totally normal for him; second that he thinks like me about ex's - they arent the enemy. they are someone you spent energy on and even if it doesnt work out you have a place in your heart for them. unless they are total fuckfaces, that is. third that while he envisions our life in the future he is not psychotically set on it. he said that as i follow my tao he is a disciple of god. if we separate that is our path and we will accept it.
its interesting how a lot of our philosophies are very similar although the language and base are different.
ps the vagina link from the last entry is working now; you should really check out that webpage.
