this diary is eating my soul. but i finally have it almost the way i want it thanks to becky and W3 Schools online web tutorial. bullshitting that i know anything about HTML is somehow teaching me things about HTML. but it takes forgoddamnever.today i did a whole lot of nothing. i mean, i accomplished things but nothing that actually matters. i found all my tapes in the basement and dragged up a tape tower thing and arranged them all according to genre...its SO NICE to have access to all that music again. and they look very pretty all lined up...
i emailed a few things i had needed to for awhile. i filled out an application. i looked at my resume and worked on it a little. i did the dishes. i recovered my backpack from my brother's house and spent a little time there. i had the most amazing lucid dreams this afternoon. i was in complete control of everything, it was incredible. i have been having a lot of dreams like that lately, but this was the most control i've ever had except for one dream i had about two years ago.
dreams come in waves for me, sometimes they are frequent and detailed and semi-lucid. sometimes its nothing at all. ive been having an unusually long streak of lucid, control, and detailed storyline dreams. there are so many in one night i cant even recall all the detail here - it would take too long.
the other day i got up at eleven. it was the first time i had been up before noon in weeks. today i got up at three. i think getting up that late makes me feel depressed which makes me want to sleep a lot. so i have this plan, (these plans usually dont work, but SHHH this one will!) where i will stay up all night until my mom goes to work. i will take her to work so i have the car so i can go to the DMV (not very safe biking, highways and such) and get my fucking name changed on my id so i can then change my soc. sec, bank cards, loans, etc., etc.
then i will be up and motivated to do all the other shit i am supposed to. i can cook myself a nice breakfast and maybe go to a coffee shop or just make some myself. i will stay up all day and Do Things, then go to bed at an early hour - like ten o clock!
..this whole name thing is odd. like i'd always been against the women changing her name - just that she shouldnt have to do it, it should be a discussed decision. so i thought about my name. well, when i was young i hated it. i got made fun of a lot for it, and i even stopped using it and started using my mom's last name. after all, i lived with her so why not?
now i guess i'd gotten fond of all the double consenants, every one of my names (first middle last) has at least one set of double consenants. but its still a man's name. whether its OldName or NewName, its not any different, really. and i kind of like the symbolic gesture of casting off my german name and taking on a serere name (a west african ethnicity). plus ive never had a name no one can pronounce (just one no one ever spelled correctly) and i think it will be kind of amusing to hear how people fuck it up.
i want to cook eggs RIGHT NOW. but im not hungry, just craving. i love eggs. my friend josh2 is going to be a nurse and he says an egg is the perfect protein. no other food has that sort of protein, not meat, not rice and beans. well i buy local organic free-range eggs. so i dont really see the harm. eggs arent fertilized anyway. when i lived with the faye's in senegal, we had a fat hen. she laid eggs all the time although there was no male. its like eating period juice, really. not that pleasant of a thought but no harm done to anything so long as the chickens are treated right.
i was in a super-funk the other day. i've been feeling a little under the weather. i cant tell if its a psychological thing or a slight bug or what. my tonsils feel sore and slightly swollen and i have this occasional cough thing happening, along with a sort of malease and light stomache upset and occasional headaches. but all that could just be emotional? hm.
things will be better when i have a job, i have a complex about being here and having a little disposible income but not having earned it myself. i think it makes me feel guilty which makes me feel pissy which makes me uncommunicative and bitchy towards my mom which in turn makes me feel guilty and like and ingrate... i hope she doesnt take it personally, its the best explaination i have for what the hell is wrong with me lately.
that and things being wierd socially. like i like my friends but i dont really like how they spend their free time.
