i seem to have developed some sort of odd rash and/or hives. little raised itchy circular swellings of various sizes, singular and in clusters; have popped up on my belly, upper back, and neck. i have no other symptoms. well, except that my stools have been a little odd and my wrists hurt. but i think my wrists hurt from all the driving i did this weekend. i have sensitive wrists. they crack all the time and i frequently have pain along the tendons and whatnot. maybe i have carpal tunnel. i noticed this hive thing a day or two ago. it appears to be getting slowly worse. does one go to the doctor for inexplicable dermatologic problems that are only mildly annoying? i guess its the fact that i have no clue what it is that bothers me more than anything else.
this fri i drove up to (borrowed my mom's car) anna's dad's farm to meet her and some of the other peeps who went to senegal for a sort of reunion thingy. we looked at each others pics, exchanged stories, had a few beers, sat around a fire. it was nice. then saturday i kicked it up to the cities for the afternoon/evening to visit while i was in the area. i stopped by ministry of information (v, jeremy, cory, etc.) and did a brief and unannounced visit. then i went to josh1 and mary1's apartment and we had dinner together and chatted until like midnight, when i decided that i really had better get on the road. my mom need the car back the next day and i figured i am better at staying up late than getting up early.
so i drove the four and a half hours home. i listened to the mbalax (a popular senegalese music form) cds that emily burned for me and remembered Things Senegal. i remembered coming home all wet from sweat at the clubs at five am and slipping into bed next to adji. abdoulaye and casie standing arm in arm next to each other at the airport while ponge and i looked at each other and said our goodbyes. i didnt cry or even feel like it then..i just looked up at him and smiled in love, and we told each other to be strong. so much..the corniche at night, walking to the beach for djembe lessons with tapha, talking to arrogant teenage boys in wolof and watching their mouths drop as this toubab changed their stereotypes, going to touba for the grand magal, honorine, amadou, everyone, everything. i smiled in emotion. how beautiful to have these memories, to have these people to miss. how amazing.
driving on a highway is sort of meditative. the highway washes underneath you as you pay enough attention to steer but arent really responsible for much else. i daydreamed and imagined and felt peaceful. on the way up (daytime), i noticed the landscapes. on the way down, i ignored the hallucinations (nighttime). i was pretty tired, i kept chugging coke to keep awake. i think part of my brain was sleeping...
i mildly hallucinate time to time, especially at night. a fire hydrant hit in a shadow just the right way in the right context looks like a dog until i get closer. whether this is a normal brain function or induced by having had a fair amount of shroom and especially LSD induced hallucinations in my lifetime, i am unsure.
i came home and summer (my niece) came over. nathan and carrie were both at work, so we took her with us to the racial justice study group..the meeting was really good. and she was amazingly quiet and good as well - she is only 4. we talked about the visit from rick (who co-authored walleye warriors) and ellen(his partner). we discussed how to be a witness in daily life; i recounted j.ordan's friend who stops to observe police whenever they are interacting with the public - to just be a witness. and that part of being a witness is just to absorb some of the anger that is being directed, and noticing your world (notice that in a restaurant the patrons and servers may be white while the staff for behind the house may be people of color - this is structural violence), learning to pick your battles - putting effort in when its effective, learning to recognize the ways you repress yourself, others..
we talked of the desire to continue as a group even after we have finished with the book, of understanding our goals and how we can work wisely and patiently toward those goals. i suggested we find a happy social fun time together, to get to know each other more personally and have a time where we dont just be very self-searching and intellectual and etc. others seemed to be into that, too.
it is these little pockets of madison that i love. i am getting really into the idea of understanding local history and local issues - i think ive been very focused on supra-national and national issues, understanding the global superpower structures, world history, etc. this book has taught me a lot about understanding your own back yard. its so accessable for one thing. terry suggested our group's next project to be to really dig into a local issue. find a local race issue and try to understand it - do interviews, research, etc. or make a transcription of what we have done here and publish it as a model for others to form their own groups. a group of white people getting together to understand and challenge racism (in the world and themselves) is a fairly important thing.
today i feel like i can live here and be happy. today i feel like i can live anywhere and be happy. today i feel like i can just let things wash over me, without getting perturbed. like a stone in a river, i will let things come over me in such a way that each time something pushes against me it will run past me that much more easily. that is enlightenment.
each second of my life is something i can never have again.
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