my head feels dull and full of snot. no, no, not a cold. just the cats. i just filed my taxes for 2002. ive never done anything like that so late in my life. senegal taught me the art of slack something good. i am supposed to get a bit over $200 deposited in my mpls bank account. that way i cant really touch it, i want to have something aside for emergencies. right now there is only $53 in that account. and $7 in my madison account. i feel like consuming, physically. maybe i need sex. maybe i want a cigarette. ponge called today, he's going to buy his plane ticket tomorrow. he couldnt remember if it was new york-madison or new york-mpls. i would think new york-mpls would be cheaper. well, im sure he'll figure it out.
i had a transvaginal ultrasound today. it was to check if i have cysts still or no. in march i didnt, but i've since stopped taking birth control and my insurance covers it so i figured i might as well have them look around and figure it out. first the lady, who was young and i instantly liked, did an external ultrasound. (rubbing the wand thing and goo around on my lower belly and kidneys)
then she did the transvaginal. i'd never had one of those - she told me she would hand me a device to insert to my comfort in my twat, it was like a tampon. it provides a different viewing capability than the external.
so she hands me this wand, which, incidentally was a lot more like a dildo than a tampon. i was pondering the language she used - it was so much more like a dildo, but perhaps people would be aghast if one compared it as such. stopping bleeding instruments are ok to discuss in the semi-public sphere but self-pleasuring mechanisms are not? well.. so i was laying there and thinking about this and about ponge and my dildo at home while she was poking around and i realized i was a bit turned on. once i realized this i also realized that i haven't had anyone else poke me in a couple months and paid attention to what she was doing, so i could perhaps replicate it at home when i got there.
it then occured to me that people have doctor-patient scenes all the time, and tho this had never appealed to me i could suddenly see their value...i began to imagine her clacking away and then using the ultrasound wand sexually and climbing on top of me, us kissing, etc. i rather enjoyed this (although i felt kind of like i was violating her so i didnt take the scene very far) and wondered if she could tell - after all there are physiological signs, such as increase of blood flow and vaginal lubrication. then she said, we're just going to listen to blood flow for a bit. woo-awwwoo-awwwoo-aww.. she switched to my left insides and did the same woo-awwwoo-awwoo...
aside from wondering if she knew i was laying there being pleasantly stimulated, i also wondered how old she was and what made her decide to go into that sort of a profession. i always wonder that about people that do something really specific that it takes a lot of schooling &/or training to accomplish. like pediatrists. i asked the pediatrist i had when i was 17 what made him interested - he said he happened to do his residency (or whatever) with a pediatrist so he stuck with it since that was what he had been introduced to. seems like a shit reason to be a pediatrist. i wanted some great story about how he loved feet, some well-developed philosophy that feet are what connects you to this earth and they must be taken care of, some devotion of pedal motion close to religious worship...
anyway, she's sending the results to my doctor and should be in by monday or tuesday. i feel really distracted because my brother is coming over soon..i will write more laters
