ok..so. here i am, tired and wishing i was in bed rather than awake. but i have to go take a typing test at 10 for a job at an alternative high school so i thought i should practice typing. actually, i have a job right now. its just temp work - we both (the employer and i) committed until december. i do random office crap at a software (SAS, for those of you who know what that is) consulting company. its okay. its mildly interesting, my boss is nice and always concerned about whether or not i am getting bored with the projects and trying to change things up for me. the owner, who is my boss' dad, told me he noticed all the stickers on my (my mom's) car and said he was in london for the big protests at the beginning of the war. there were over 100,000 people there, but he and his wife got back to the usa and no one had heard about it. figures...madlib players is doing our next performance on media and its uses in controlling the masses, but we havent got the play really all worked out yet..we'll see.
so anyway, the job now is just mondays and wednesdays - which means my wednesdays suck. i take my mom to work at 7 am to get to work by 8, have to go pick her up and take her home at the end of the day, and go to my night class afterwards. i had all day shit like that in school, but i never really had to run around that much, especially not in a car. i really want this shabazz job, tho its only temporary and part time as well - until the end of the school year. i dont know what i'll do if i am offered the job, and the times conflict. this one pays 13/hr (the one i have currently is 10/hr) and is union and i think with benefits and is biking distance from my house. but i would feel bad ditching the other job, and i want to maintain good relations with both them and the company that set me up with the position.
i guess i could always say that i lost my mode of transportation, since the company knows i am borrowing a car to get to work. blah, speaking of which i have to get to the soc security office today and get proof i applied for a new card in my new name, drop it off at adtec, and get ponge into an ESL (english as second language)course. at least its supposed to have a high of 78 today, a nice day to have off.
i'll be glad when ponge has his class, and a job. right now he mostly sits around watching rap videos or studying the koran. i just dont think being canned up inside a house all the time is healthy. he does have his cousins in town, but they are too far for him to walk to and he doesnt really know his way around yet as far as biking or busing, plus they work so i dont think they are around any more than i am. he says its fine and he is prepared to adapt to whatever, but i will still be happy when he is out making it on his own and making new friends and such.
plus i love the boy to death, but i do like to have privacy now and again; and variety. i think it is healthy in relationships for each partner to have some things they do on their own, that are not really dependent or reliant upon or even necessarily at all include the other. we had that more in dakar, coz we each had our own things we would go off and do sometimes. but that will come with time...
this period is really interesting for me, as slowly all my fears about how it would be in america seem to be dealt with and solved.
ponge amazes me often, how warm and perceptive and positive and kind and strong he is. also how wierd, damn but that boy can be an oddball. ...which i suppose is fitting.
he has this plan, that he will earn enough money here to build a house in dakar for his mother and other immediate relatives, and also rent out a few rooms. there you buy shit all at once, but you can buy a rather large (i mean, seriously large) house for like $20-40,000 USD. whether or not we would be able to save enough to plunk that money down right away is questionable, but we could probably get a loan at some point. then our renters could provide income to us, he says there are agencies that take care of that sort of thing. in addition im assuming there are people in DK (dakar) that we could enlist in helping us.
a lot of his/our friends do building stuff, so we could hire them in building and painting, etc., the house, thus helping them out as well.
im also starting to have the desire to have children - not now, of course. in like 5 years i want to be secure enough in all the ways i can ideally be to have a child. especially at night, when we are lying there in the quiet, i imagine the two of us there, me pregnant..him caressing us..
i dont know how ponge looks to other people, but to me he is so so beautiful..il est mon prince, il est trop beau. and i know by the way he touches and treats and holds me that he cherishes me as well, even though he tells me so all the time. but the both of us are humble or honest and find our ownselves to be of average attraction.
he is much better at being verbally affectionate than i am, i use my eyes and behaviors to show love and adoration more than words. he uses both. to love and be in love, and to be young and full of plans. its really amazing.
my main problem right now is my increasing loss of any hope for the world as we know it to ever get any better. i mean, i loath listening to NPR because it seems to be the same horrid news all the time. i mean, turkey is now supplying troops in iraq?? what the fuck? and the us is giving them a 8.4 billion dollar "loan" and both countries claim that this has nothing to do with why turkey has done a complete about-face in this matter...and both countries ignore the will of the populace concerning iraq. GOD! somewhere along the line i lost my composure, my quiet peace. i lost my vision of slowness, i became shockable again. i need that back, and i turn to buddhist thought to regain it, for that is what it most resembles.
the complexity of buddhism. its such a mindfuck, isnt it? i mean, a lot of world views are pretty direct - if you do this you will go to heaven. there is a heaven. etc. but buddhism is like, there is no flame. there is just a manifestation of elements that neither exist nor don't exist. um, what? i mean, buddhism has this look on "life" and "death" that i agree with - that is, they dont really exist. i mean, all that really happens is the form of being may change into others, just as really it came from others, just as, really, it is others. and yet it is not. that acceptance of the complexity of the universe is what i am attracted to.
i dont think things are so pat as most religions would have us believe. and while my husband is deeply muslim, i both believe and dont believe that which he holds as sacred truth. yet we operate in many of the same ways. we believe many of the same things in a purer sense, tho why we believe them may come from spaces dressed as being different. different, yet the same. yet not the same, yet not different.
