this is how it goes...things ride along until they dont. that is, i am split along certain lines. overall, i am in complete disrepair over the state of the world. the level of greed and deception and foolishness and selfishness and desire is enough to make me .. what. i have all this repressed anger. i have to be informed, i have to be. but its all bad news all the fucking time. i mean jesus christ. refugees from a refugee camp? i shouldnt get started on a list. its so deep, so deep inside me and i have no focus what so ever. i do theater. i do. but i feel so like giving up on everything, so like its all going to shit and atrocities just keep on happening and we will all be up shit creek without a paddle where the earth is concerned before it will matter to the people who control it. before even their vast deceptions can save them. its enough to make me want to believe in god. but i just dont. i want to. i cant believe anything. anything. so i read hear know this thing about this event and most people dont. most people require so much ENERGY just to fucking converse with. i feel sad, crushed, i feel tragic. its not my tragety (yet), but i am caught in the web, caught...this morning was really hard. you have to be really fucking tough to go do a piece about iraq at a homecoming game entrance. "you know thats really depressing!" "bring the troops home - fuck you!" "oh, how unappropriate" "its a football game, cheer up!" but mostly, mostly, looks of shutting down. just be quiet and dont look the freaks in the eye and walk past, you can continue to drink your pabst and just walk past...
and now i feel like shit, and its making me really emotionally needy its making me makemakemake .
didnt i decide that i was a hard core bitch? didnt i decide that i would stand firm against the tide that seeks to overwhelm me? didnt i decide to be hell on wheels? the ranks of the priveleged marched by me today. almost all white, american, rich enough to buy tickets and badger gear and liquor and parking, marched past me on the union south entrance to camp randall. spoiled and whiny in their ignorance. there is this bumper sticker on a car by my bro's house that says - if ignorance is bliss than why are so many people unhappy?
indeed. i fear to become emotionless. i fear to have emotions. i fear to play corporate girl, i fear to not pay my bills. i hate the fashion industry, i want a lot of clothing. rap videos make me question my body, i drool at the girls in them. life is contradiction, life is senseless. i i i i i i i ii
you him we us
i dont think im done. but im in this crosshair. will i make a lot of money, dress nicely, do things that are neither good or bad in any direct way. will i give it up, fight fight fight. or will i fight on the side, and donate resources for others to fight full time. piss. i feel so frustrated and confused. pattern pattern. i know this, yet it is all new. i seek to resolve yet i am ever going through adjustments. what. is. the. point.
(the dream...) i fear i am selling out.
it is a good deal my commitment to my family that causes me to be responsible in the corporate america sense of that word. ponge, whose needs i have chosen to have to consider. my mother, who likes the house full...my niece, my bro my sis my friends that are of such old school quality they are my family too. in america maybe i have not had the experience of an extended family to rely on, but i have gathered an extended friendly to rely upon. and to help as well when possible, when needed.
i hate tv 80% of the time, ponge likes it a lot. especially sports and rap videos. which i get sick of quickly. and he is just learning real english so he repeats phrases all the time for no reason, which is annoying. i love him, so i can deal with it. but it is annoying nonetheless. i hope it stops when he can speak english fluently.
