well, i got off work from the 17th through the 25th without getting fired or even explaining anything beyond that i had some personal business in my life that would disable me from working during that period. i said that i would understand if that ended the contract, but that i was willing to work around my normal schedule in the meantime. my boss asked me if i knew of any conflicts i would have in december and i said no. i have mixed morals about this tho, coz i am looking for another job and will quit if i am offered one. the fact is, though, that i dont really contribute to anything good for the world at large with my work and that they could probably find another temp to help out and that i drive a hell of a lot coz of it and that i hate my job and it kills my spirits and my brain is idling in nothingness. i guess i am gaining some potentially useful knowledge about various office software. and i like getting paid every week. its really nice to know that i should have about $200 coming in before i get back, so i can pay my first loan payment on time (its due like dec 20th or something shitty)
i guess its a good thing ive decided to boycot the annual consuming frenzy this year. instead everyone i know that might be inclinded to buy me something or may expect a physical object wrapped in shiny (petroleum covered) dead trees will recieve from me a little note (or email) exempting them from buying me anything at all and inviting them to instead of us separately spending time at some job to give each other things we dont really need, spend time with each other doing something fun or healthy or educational. going to bars does not count, but going to a park or maybe a cheap indy film or theater show or to the library together would count.
so...the Big Thing On My Mind. i have spent all my free time reading the bajillion guides to being safe and effective at mass/militant demonstrations (a few of which seem to be re-done versions of the same thing - but it cant hurt to read the shit 6 times and thus probably memorize it)and printing out maps and other crap online and reading through the flurry of emails that had sat postponed. writing things down and going to trainings and making lists and erasing numbers and such.
i feel the weight of anticipation, the swing of the unknown. the hopes and fears and checklists and dont forgets and ponderings...will i do this? wont i do this..what will happen iffff>>>i think i will feel better once i am on the rental van and we are on our way. i can get to know the people i am going with better. i can figure out what their plans and etc are and decide if we would be a good affinity group or not, i really dont have a sense of where i am going to plug in, other than a few things. and im jacked up with the thought of police provokateers and informants and being monitored and snatch squads. god im tired.
a brief livening came with my first meal of the day, but it is passing and i feel irritable. mouth noises irritate me when im irritable. like my mom has this habit of smacking her lips or something - its like her tongue gets stuck to the roof of her mouth and she removes it with this little smack-y noise. she either does it especially a lot in cars or i notice it especially a lot in cars. i dont think she is even conscious of it. and ponge makes a shit load of noise when he eats. and he makes little grunts and such for no reason. often his practicing of english consists of repeating things he heard on tv or reading random phrases, so sometimes hes like a walking commercial. i hate commercials, but i think this will pass as his english becomes less of an effort, vocab and grammar etc. improves..
the day is crunching in, tomorrow i go shopping for some supplies. tomorrow afternoon i will hopefully be done and will go chill with gail and eugette (ponges cousins and fam, we will break our fast together and eat together. and i will have enough time to hang out for awhile for once - usually i have to pop in and out pretty quick-like. tomorrow will be my last day of ramadan. i need my body to be in full form to get through the next while, so i am going to start hydrating and such on sunday. i am sad to break the fast early, but i really think its the right decision and i dont need to place any more demands on the street medics by not taking proper care of my body despite all i know about staying hydrated and well fed during times of stress, etc.
well, im going to finish my juice, brush my teeth, put my organizing materials away, do my back phys therapy and other exercises (i even added push ups to my routine) and go to bed. and we agreed not to have sex tonight if we can help it. god i never get any sleep anymore.
