ok. things to report.1. im feeling pissy without reason. nothing unusual there.
2. ponge's marabout decided it would be a good idea to call at 6:25 this morning. i had gotten about 3 hours of sleep when my mom comes in with the phone and gives it to ponge who talks very very loudly into it and then takes down a number to call him back at a decent fucking hour and hangs up. who the fuck is this, i am wondering. well its his marabout, who apparently has never heard of figuring out what time it is in another country before calling there. if you called anyone at 6:25 in the morning in senegal they would think someone had died or some other tragedy had occured. no one goes to work before 10am or even 11am sometimes. only to take a million breaks to watch bad brazilian soap operas and then go home at 5pm or something. anyway, after about 20 minutes in which i cant sleep because my body is aching in its usual spots, ponge says "kelly." im like oh shit i know he didnt. but i say "what." "kelly." "WHAT." "kelly i cant sleep i have to call my marabout back now." motherfuck. so i have to get up and turn the fucking comp on and buy a card online and wait for it to get emailed to me and give him the pin numbers and lay there with the horrid light on while he dials the 67 million numbers you have to dial to call anyone through megatel africa card and then lay there listening to ponge shouting in wolof so his marabout can hear him. afterwards he is very happy (content na, torop torop torop!) and apologizes for bothering me and i reply in grunts and mmHMs and finally can go back to sleep to have some whack ass dreams and begrudingly get up at like noon.
3. miami is fucking up my sex life. like we'll be playing and it'll be all cool and such and then without my really noticing it i start thinking about miami again and remember something about it or ponder lessons to be learned or something and before i realize what im doing ive gotten all serious and dont feel like playing anymore at all, like either stop or just get to the sex part coz i aint in it anymore. so ponge of course is still totally all over me, not having had some fucked flash memory or whatever is going on occur to him, but i dont want it anymore and he feels that rejection. with me when i lose interest the first thing to go is shit you do with your mouth. like instead of reaching to the depths of his mouth and tasting his tongue i suddenly feel like his mouth is suffocating me and im drowning in his lips and i dont want his breathy wet tongue anywhere near me. or he tries to play with my vagina and im dry and instead of it feeling good, on the outside it just feels awkward and on the inside it hurts. this has happened three times now. two nights in a row, then we had a really good morning play and fuck, then last night it happened again.
the first night was really bad, i was in a super fucked state of mind and pretty much just laid there while he tried to turn me on, pondering how fucked up things are and in general wallowing in negativity and sorrow for the state of things to the point of silently crying in the dark. i kept waiting for him to notice what the hell was going on, which was a fucked little game i was playing. i knew it was a game but i was a little fucked at the time so i didnt really have the sense to just open my mouth and state what the hell was happening until he finally stopped and asked me what was up.
at that point i was totally grossed out by the act of lovemaking because i wasnt feeling it in any way and was seeing ponge as some stranger, some typical horny man with his paws all over me, oblivious to things that were really important.
at first i just said i was feeling messed up over the state of the world, and we talked about that a little but it went sour. i was feeling confrontational and it was being directed at him, and i started discussing things that are sensitive between us that require a good deal of listening and calm talking, and did so without doing any of the listening or being calm. he wasnt being very sensitive to my being upset - in fact it was a lot like he thought i should be tougher or not worry about shit so much and started talking about how he wants peace but he cant do anything about it and he just prays every time for it and asks allah to bring it. then i pointed out that it was all well and good for him to pray but in my opinion that didnt do shit. i dont believe in god so i cant just go handing my responsibilities off to someone else. they stay with me, and i think its up to ME to help create peace in the world, not some allah figure.
i started trippin on how we were going to raise our kids, but not really asking questions and looking for a real discussion. more like looking for reasons why it wasnt going to work and assuming a whole bunch of shit. now, i was addressing real concerns and fears of mine, but the manner in which i was doing it could not possibly have produced a respectful discussion. i brought up a bunch of shit we had never talked about but that i had assumptions about his reaction based on my knowledge of his society's general viewpoint, which seriously i have some real issues with his society and there are certain thought patterns that i fear he has and will want to teach to a child. well i have serious issues with my society as well, but i have some idea at least what i will and wont stress as far as values, etc., from my also fucked up society.
yeah.. at some point he quoted me the muslim idea that whatever a woman wants, is what god wants. i said that was stupid (which im sure offended him) because there are moms that kill their children or abuse them and then there are moms that take good care and there are moms that teach totally opposite things. how is he going to say that allah wants to beat and kill children and at the same time wants to give them cookies and bandaids? its ridiculous. anyway, the conversation was about important issues but it was really shitty and we pissed each other off and laid in silence for awhile.
finally i was like, look, i cant go to bed like this - every couple has their arguments and we are not going to be the exception (its the only actual argument i remember us ever having). he said i should be careful what i say because he knows himself and he doesnt want to say things he will regret and he gets angry very easily and then doesnt forgive very easily. which is too bad. i told him i also can get angry easily, but i also forgive fairly easily. i was getting ornery again because i somewhat felt taking that statement as a threat or warning rather than what i think he meant it as, which is just a fact about his (probably unlearnable) reaction norm.
he said maybe we should avoid talking about certain things if they are going to cause problems. i said id rather be honest in a relationship and lose the relationship for it than avoid certain topics and live somewhat of a lie. he said talking about someone's beliefs is impolite, its not nice. this made me think about my host dad in kerr momar sarr, whom i overheard once saying he didnt talk about religion with people because that was what started wars. there is probably some validity to that.
i told him that i had never taken a relationship the way i took ours. usually i just came into relationships through circomstance and when they encounters problems they fell apart - either i or my partner abandonned ship and someone got hurt and that was the end of that. but with him i wanted to try to make things work, even if sometimes it was difficult. i was willing to get through difficult shit because i loved him and etc. thats one of the main reasons i agreed to marry him, i felt like we had a will together to understand one another and not be overbearing in our opinions or points of view. its more complicated than that but as you can tell im not very articulate right now.
a little more silence and then he rolled over and returned the hug i'd been leaning on him - he said, tu es mon amour. je ne veux pas te perdre. pourquoi aminer les affairs qui n'ont pas encore arriver? si les affaires va arriver - laisse les arriver rekk. mais pourquoi leur aminer en avance? moi, je t'aime.." essentially: you're my sweetheart, i dont want to lose you. why bring up problems that dont exist yet (regarding the crux of the discussion - what/how to teach our children)? if problems are going to come, let them come. but lets not create them in advance.. i love you.
and that was the end of it. things were still tense the next day tho. and though we were being affectionate, it felt forced to me. then that night we were both in the mood and started fucking around and i found my mind wandering and lost desire. he noticed and got kind of pissed. he said i should just let him know when i was ready again because its not very interesting for him to put his full effort in when im not into it. i was feeling a little pissed at his reaction, but decided it was probably based on feeling insecure or unappealing, which is not a good feeling. so chilled and just tried to explain a few things to him and i think he understood somewhat. i talked about how everyone thinks this is a democracy but its all fucked up, how i got pepper sprayed for simply chanting in the streets - for supposedly exorcising my first amendment (freedom of speech) and fourteenth amendment (freedom to assembly) and no one even cares or knows about what happened coz the corporations own the goverment and own the media and control what everyone thinks about to the point where people think your a paranoid whackadoo if you bring this up to your average joe. etc. he said what the hell can you do? all governments are corrupt, and they have all the guns and media and people and money so what can you really do? they have everything. you have nothing. and people in africa (at least in kenya and senegal) think that america is this non-corrupt get rich quick heaven, but they dont know because they arent here and they just believe the image that the USA projects. this made me happy because at least he understood these fundamental points, and my fears that he wouldnt understand where i was coming from were somewhat dissolved. i explained how i felt really paranoid since i was there coz i was photographed and there were infiltrators and provokateurs and well fuck. getting disappeared is not unheard of, and im working against the system, looking to expose and destroy the foulness within. i felt so paranoid that i couldnt even write in here, sure that it was being read. well FUCK EM. he said he worried for me, that i should be really careful. he said that when i was gone he was worried. at these protests they could just grab me and throw me in jail and no one would necessarily even know where i was. they can do anything, they have all the power. so that made me feel a lot lot better as well, that when i explained my paranoia he didnt belittle it, instead he confirmed it as a valid feeling and expressed concern that he would lose me or bad things would happen to me.
i said that i didnt want anything to happen to me, but that id rather fight for what i know is right and get taken out in the process than bow down to the powers that be. there is some kind of saying that goes something like 'id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.'
then the next morning we had lovely wonderful sex and i felt like things were finally back to normal (whatever that means, as if relationships are static and retain a "normal"). we felt really happy and playful all day.
then last night, in the middle of playing, i wandered back to There again. i was thinking about dana, who was arrested, and how even her public defender lied to her and called her a bitch. and i was thinking about my place in the demonstrations, and how honestly i was totally freaked out at certain points. i remembered that there were like three times when the shit was going down that i had to stop myself from just panicking - i had to use the trick i used in mosh pits when i felt unable to escape - just remember that actually, i am fine. i am still breathing, my body parts are all working, i am fine. its okay. i mean i had to, a couple times, step back and reaffirm my status as not in danger of dying or being seriously injured. my fight or flight meter was fuckin freakin out and the flight was on high, it was a hard physical and psychological battle to remain cheery and running around and stay in between cops and other peaceful protesters and de-escalate.. to know when i could have my glasses on and when i better take them off and get my goggles on. i swear next time im just getting prescription goggles and thats it. (you cant wear contacts because tear gas binds with contacts and can cause permanent eye damage). and i was in a really whack head space, that i cant tell if was due to stresses or chemical exposures. and i had a buddy (Betsy, to whom i have undying gratitude for linking arms with me tight when that first pepper spray went off in the morning) and an affinity group - but i just met them so essentially, i was alone. my first huge demonstration, my first time cheerleading, social pressure and pigs pressure and activist pressure and fight/flight pressure and sun and projectiles and chemicals ..in many ways, that day sucked. there were also beautiful things, dont get me wrong.
but i also learned a lot, and gained a lot of strength which i can physically feel in my body, i mean i physically feel tougher, more powerful.
so i was running through that and then some, and lost it again. i didnt want to lose it, but i had and i knew i could sit there pretending to kiss him back coz all that would happen would be that i would resent it...so we just slowed and stopped. and he tried to ask what was wrong but i didnt want to halt entirely so we had some rather mediocre sex. when i dont really have a ton of desire things entering me hurt. i cant even imagine how painful rape must be.
so, i laid in bed thinking, and then explained to him that my mind may wander and kill my desire from time to time for awhile. i can be in the middle of playing and suddenly realize what ive been thinking about, and realize that ive become serious or angry. and for me its like we never even touched each other, and i have to start all over again trying to get into the playful mood. only from a place of anger, which doesnt really work too well, especially since he is at a normal phase of advanced desire. but he should know that it doesnt mean that i dont love him or he cant give me pleasure or i dont desire him or any of the things that my sudden withdrawal and rejection could be taken to mean. it just means that i start to think about this shit without noticing. and it wont be for forever, its not a sign of things to come. its just some shit i need to work through, to process. eventually i will have sorted it out in a positive manner and it wont enter at unbidden times and fuck up my, well, fucking.
4. im getting a tattoo on my left arm. i go in tuesday to work out the details of how exactly it will be with this guy who is a friend of my mom and i. hopefully that means it will be cheaper. i saw some of his other work and it is quality, so i feel i trust him, also due to the way he treated me regarding the tattoo. he understood without me saying a word about it that if one little thing is off i wont be satisfied. he says he wont do it unless its perfect. my mom is goint to pay out $100 of it for my birthday and says whatever the rest is can be a loan. when i have the drawing more firmly worked out, i'll give more details of what it is.
5. im feeling social again. after months of feeling anti, or simply homebody-ish.
6. ponge doesnt like kissing me when i've had a beer or some. he says it gives him a headache. i told him i understand and he doesnt have to kiss me if ive been drinking. he asked if i wouldnt feel rejected or something, and i said no of course not. or if he wants he can kiss me on the cheek or hand or something.
7. im going to see an independent short film festival tonight, which should be rad.
