the other day i was bagging for one of my co-workers, since there were no customers at my register. out of the blue he asked me if i'd ever been to soa. i said yes. he said it was one of his favorite protests, and looked to me to hear my opinion. i paused, and said that i'd only been down there once and it was right after miami, so i really couldn't identify with the activities there at the time. they were just unbelievably tame, and people were putting up with shit from the cops that i couldn't tolerate - the whole thing seemed kind of like a joke. i wasn't in the right emotive state to identify with their tactics & responses. he stared at me and another co-worker started to pay attention to the conversation. wide-eyed, he asked, you were at the war in miami? did you get hurt? a little taken aback/wiered out by his reaction - and unsure if i'd been hurt or not, i said, um no, not really. i was pepper sprayed and tear gased, but i wasnt hit with anything. which was really just luck, it could have happened really easily. but in thinking about it, i guess i did get hurt - just not by anything as tangible as a rubber bullet. anyway. the watching co-worker said, wow, that's hardcore.
like i knew what i was getting into when i went down there. not that i was clueless or totally unprepared, but...i dont know. i dont really want to be put on a pedastle (even though i admit my ego likes it somewhat), i want people to get informed, involved, active. normal people.
the original questionnaire asked me, well, what happened? why did the police attack? i said - well, there were several times that happened. but you are probably referring to the main affront in the afternoon. there was a line of cops four layers thick running across a triple lane road, the large grassy median, the triple lane road running the other way, and a park. we were all sitting around catching our breath after the permitted march had finished and the majority of the union people had gone inside a venue for speeches & such. then everyone got roused to go make our presence known to the cops. to occupy the space they were allowing us. and i do mean allowing. in our disorganized masses, they were the ones in power. and they attacked.
he asked - but, i mean, did the protesters get violent? i looked at him, and was totally surprised by my own calm and friendly reaction. here was someone that had heard things enough to call it "the war in miami" yet, he still wanted to buy the mainstream media story that surely the protesters had caused such a violent reaction by our trusted, tax-payer supported, protection forces. but it didnt piss me off. i just said - well, no. thats what was so fucked up about it. we were drumming, dancing, singing, cheering. i was fairly close to the front lines and i didnt see a single person throw anything, until after the pigs started moving forward.
our conversation got interrupted by a customer.
i have all this pain in my back, on the right side. i need to work it out. i cant even do one of the pt exercises i used to, because it just hurts a fuck of a lot. its one where i place my hands on my bed (about chair level) and get on my knees so that my arms are stretched above my head and my arms and back make a horizontal line to my bum. then i sort of wiggle around and stretch my upper back out. and damned if i can't do it anymore. last night i put on tiger balm, but that wasnt doing much so i heated up this long cloth rice bag and placed that around my shoulder and neck. it helped, but then it sucked to take it off.
this violence in me, i need to let it go. i just finished reading cunt too, so im pretty hyped about shit right now. i want to read something that unhypes me, but is still substantive.
i used to admire people who were willing to get into fights - i thought them courageous, hardcore. now that i find myself getting agressive i realize it was not that i lacked courage, i was that i possessed self-control. i possessed a more serene state. even when that state was depressed or whatnot...depression seems more serene than aggravated.
some people say the only way certain people will understand to stop certain behaviors is through violence. a guy touches your crotch, you deck him. maybe he wont touch someone else next time. but what is more likely is that he will simply go for someone that seems more weak than you. and in turn, that more sensitive person potentially will be more fucked over by the experience than you? i guess it depends.
some people say the only way to teach is through love. you are a queer in a room full of hostiles. rather than calling them a bunch of ignorant fucks which will certainly not change their minds, you make them laugh through stories, you show them compassion, love, you be a normal human being. you may win some over (some you may never win over?).
so which is it? violence? love? both? it depends? there is this thing in me that wants to find some philosophy to live by, something simple to hold onto and filter the world through. but most things do not stand the test of time. something filters through in a funny way and i'm done with that way of thinking. like with christianity. just couldn't hack all the things in it totally contrary to what makes sense. and, eventually, couldn't subscribe to faith at all. the only way of thought i've seen still make sense after a few years has been what i've read of buddhism. the four noble truths. the eightfold path.
if i look at that, it neither prescribes violence or non-violence. it prescribes right action. that which is appropriate, with the precept of avoiding taking life. it speaks a good deal of self-control. gaining an ability to think as you would choose, control, choosing who you want to be and being it. goddamn. its just about everything. right resolve/aspiration. know where you are going and decide that is what you want (aka dont be bumblefucking around unless you have decided to be bumblefucking around). pay the fuck attention to yourself and your surroundings and your path and maintain within those situations your self. maintain intent.
the four noble truths are these:
1. life is painfully out of balance.(the truth of duhka)
2. the desire for private fulfillment causes actions at the expense of others. it interferes with the oneness of all things, leads to ignorance, and brings suffering.(the truth of the cause)
3. cessation can be attained. when selfish cravings, ignorance, and hatred are overcome, balance will be restored to life.(the truth of cessation)
4. a marga/tao (path or way) exists to overcome. the eightfold path is the middle way between the extremes of ascetism and indulgence.(the truth of the tao)
the eightfold path:
these do not have an order. they are interdependent & rely on each other.
right livelihood (means of subsistance) we spend most of our time at our jobs, so it is important that our jobs do not conflict with how we would choose to act. a job that requires or causes you to act other than how you would choose will hinder your path.
right mindfullness (intellectual activity, presence of mind) an understanding of the self and reality. gaining an ability to think as you would choose. not being controlled by your thoughts.
right understanding (knowledge, vision) seeing the world as it is. understanding the nature of the quest, and the four noble truths.
right resolve (aspiration) know where you are going. decide that is what you want.
right action (behavior, conduct) avoid taking life, taking what is not given, inappropriate sexual relations, false speech, and inappropriate intoxication
right word (speech) attention to language. speech should be truthful, tactful, and charitable.
right effort (application) continued intent. a single-minded, unfailing effort needs to be put toward the path.
right meditation (concentration, positioning of the psyche) control of the mind. choose who you want to be and be it.
