well. movies sometimes succeed in creating a real world for me, a world real enough that i compare my actual life to that scripted and produced for my consumption. is this positive or negative? on the one hand, a movie is just that. it is not something that captures all the subtleties of life... on the other, if a movie has captured me, that means it is either creating or echoing desire in me. this sometimes means that its giving me new ideas, food for thought. curiosity about what my life could possibly contain someday. and yes, fashion ideas. i am indeed a fashion whore. not 'lets go to the mall'- style fashion whore, but an appropriate title for my vanity, or body art/self expression(whichever one chooses to call it, to categorize it, depending on mood and current perspective), nonetheless.i have such a determination not to feel sorry for myself in any way. not to get depressed. this does not mean i am not occasionally sad, lonely, bored, etc; just that i dont let myself get to the point where i deny that there are positive things both in the universe and in my life simply because im reacting in a particular way to a particular set of circumstances. not to feel regrets over anything. this does not imply that i dont feel ive made any mistakes in my life, just that it is more valuable to learn, let it go, and move on. god i sound like a fucking self-help infomercial. join janice gooding as she helps you to LOVE: Learn, let it gO, and moVE on! (insert live audience applause here)
i wonder about these things i decide to think sometimes though. i wonder if its not just all bullshit i build up for myself to have an inner semblance of a healthy psychology and a happy life.
i guess i dont really have an answer for that, except (escapist or no) to grip ever-more fiercely to the fourfold noble truth and etc (buddhist thought). this tells me that everything is delusional anyway, everything is transient. which is true, i mean, i dont really believe in god so you tell me one thing that lasts forever? not even spacetime does. so what the fuck is the point of holding on to shit that has left your life? its gone, a hand trying to grasp what is no longer there becomes a fist, tensed and stretched and full of effort to no avail.
the trick to this is, i think, to avoid becoming a robot. its awfully tempting to try to rid oneself of becoming attached in the first place if its all just going to pass on. but i dont think this is the solution, either. because its also important to live ones life fully as possible, and you cant do that if you wander around convincing yourself that you dont give a shit about anything or one since its going to desert you eventually.
i mean if i really ponder this its kind of fucking amazing that im alive and young. the future so open to so many sorts of turns of events. also, ive graduated college. i fucking did it. a whole lot of shit has happened in the past five years.
the people around me all have kids and serious relationships here. it seems a good environment in which to kindle the beginning of our union. there are examples for me/us to look at and support and advice/us for me to seek.
the madison:mpls debate rages quietly on in my head and my heart. i feel a little bit like i know whats in mpls. but then i would be exploring it in a new way, so maybe i really dont. i dont know a ton about whats in madison, but im starting to find out. its wierd exploring a city i feel like ive been shoved into by circumstances.
and god i fucking love my bike. i should really take a picture of 'er for the page. mmmmthe feel of the gears turning, the wind and bugs in my hair, my thighs pumping the pedals as the air pushes back my skirt. its power, freedom. its erotic, exercise.
it also fucking kills my knees and hips. but its worth it. i love it love it love it. and i think if i get my biking muscles built back up again it will become less hard on my knees. im jealous coz eric and cody (kids i met up here through some of the stuffs ive been doing) are going on a four month bike trip across the us. exactly what the fuck i would like to do>>the timing is way off right now. need to get a JOB. i was thinking montessori schools again, ive they'll have me. just a something part time as a preschool TA if i can.
oh, my nipples are doing well. its less sore than it was previously but more crusty. when your body heals around a piercing it forms a scar on the interior. until then it leaks fluids a little, only a concern under certain conditions noted by pain level and skin and fluid colors. so far the nips are a normal pink and the crusties dont look any different than other crusties ive salt water soaked off the three facial piercings i used to have.
rant off.
