piss.i forwarded a political action (call your reps to support HR and Senate bill X) to a heavy acquaintance/light friend of mine in the cities and he asked me in return to never ever forward him anything.
ok no problem, but for some reason i thought he was more political than that. i just want to scream WAKE UP at people sometimes. being in the land of we have it all so who gives a shit and woe is me that i dont have the latest technological gizmo is starting to fucking wear on me. goddammit.
yeah its also connected to the whole fucking josh and mary issue. and why the hell hasnt other josh and my friend kay tried to contact me? are connections lost that easily? do people just move on and get wrapped up in the shit thats in their faces...
i think about j & m constantly. thats the bit i left out of the medicine bag, i knew i wasnt ready to let it go. fuck. i think about shit i want to say to them, imagine scenerios by which we would meet. wonder if i deleted an email from j without looking at it, thinking it was junk mail. think about emailing his mom for his contact info.
i cant decide whether to try to contact them just so i can have some fucking clue what is happening or if i should just take the fact that they havent called (not too hard to get my information, they know people that know me) as evidence they obviously arent interested in talking to me so i should just let them out of my heart and mind.
im assuming this debate and ache will rage on until either one, a lot of time has passed and i move on. that will be months, maybe even a year or two. i mean, we lived together for two years. in my short time of being adult-like, thats not a small amount of time. or two, i talk with them in some way shape or form. them. i really mean josh. mary, i feel pissed at. i still want to talk to her, but i dont assume any sort of bonding conversation with her since she never says whats really on her mind.
i mean, what the fuck? last time i saw them things were pretty chill and we were all like, yeah see you when i get back. then i hear that josh wants to email me but i need to work things out with mary or something? well mary sure as fuck isnt going to take any initiative to work anything out. if things dont go well with people she gives up on them in about two seconds, except for very specific people. im not one of those.
since when the fuck does your girlfriend prevent you from telling me you are even ALIVE?? GODDAMMIT.
so then, maybe i did something really shitty im not aware of?
1. i did not help scrub the fuck out of the house before we left./ well i fucking offered to come back up to the cities to help do that, and i was told that no, its fine.
2. maybe carla never came back? (i had to leave, and one of our cats was still outside and i couldnt find her after searching for two hours)/ if thats the case i would feel pretty shitty. but, letting the cats outside is not a unique event, it was standard. and i left food and water out for her should she come back, and a message with our neighbors to watch for her. what else could i do? i dont remember why we had to leave, my mom had to work the next day and the drive is four hours long or some shit. i had no reason to assume she wouldnt come back, since she always did..
3. we got charged for damages that i should have paid for or helped to pay for? / well, i left my contact information specifically for that purpose; they have my email and all my mom's info, including work number and all that shit. so i call bullshit there, if thats the case.
4. mary really just fucking doesnt like me after last summer/ well, nothing i can do about that. but i still call bullshit that josh would rely on whether or not mary likes me to fucking contact me.
they have all my info. they know people that know me. im fucking pissed, and hurt, and thats not going to go away anytime soon. i call BULLSHIT.
i tried to resolve it in my mind. but its officially unresolved. motherfuck.
