think. i do lots of that. maybe i like to drink coz it sort of kills the thinking part of your brain. its like there is this thresh hold that i am slowly surpassing. it goes like this.
1. uh, i dont want anything to do with alcohol.
2. wow i havent had that beer in forever, maybe ill try it. you know, there are only three beers in senegal and they all taste exactly the same.
3. hm, im getting a little buzzed i dont really want to finish this drink.
4. but neither do i want to waste it.
5. hm, you want to buy me another drink? well, its free, and it seems to make us both happy so okay.
6. yum.
7. hey, you want to buy us all shots? raspberry kamakazee please!
8. yum.
9. talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk
10. you want to buy us all shots again..what is this? jager-redbull, hey thats really fucking good!
11. etc.
12. drunkenmunchies!
13. well fuckina. guess i got pretty wasted again last night...and this weekend there is nate's party (barrel of great dane, yum) and the planet of the drums shite.
expected confusion and disturbedness ensuing.
in the midst of said thInK.Ing, josh called. no, not josh of josh and mary that i lived with (hereto referred as josh1), josh of josh and mary that is my friend from the good ol' college years, so far behind me now (haK!)(hereto referred as josh2). i was damn glad to hear his voice. at first i thought it was josh1, and i felt prickles raising as i prepared to carefully give him the third degree and cautiously ask how he was doing. but it was not he. no.
josh2 said it took him three months to recover from returning from guatemala. fuck i cant spell. this i was piss-happy to hear coz ive been in a straight up fuNk. its true. my head been spinning in circles of contradiction and .. confusion.
but i once realized, and i should realize again; that confusion is just curiosity in a negative light. impatience and angst over the unknown. patience, little one.
some of what i wanted, i dont really think i will have now. so ive been grasping at it, turning it over in my mind. bad bad bad buddhist! life is transient. this i believe in one part of me, now i just need to get the rest to fuckin listen.
what did i want?
i wanted to go to chicago with v to meet natalie and play with her toys and learn a few things and maybe make some money.
i dont think ponge would be very okay with that. i dont think he even knows what the hell that shit is, and i cant imagine explaining it over the phone ~ i think i need visuals to do it. i would need him to understand that it doesnt at all mean i dont love him or that i want to be with other people, because other than random lust (which one:i think is totally normal, and two: i have ways of satisfying by myself) here and there, i really dont want to be with anyone but him. its just something that excites me and makes me happy. its pretty.
but without him previously understanding said items and having full knowledge and discourse about what i may or may not do, i think it would be shitty of me to pursue said desire.
::mope::
..
well the other great thing about talking with josh2 is that i now have Established Place to Stay in Mpls. Josh2 and i always get along great, and i cant wait to meet mary2. anyone he is that serious about must be pretty rad, coz josh2 is good peeps. i think josh2 is someone i can really lay it all out to and get an outside perspective. thats what ive really been needing, everyone else i know isnt right for the part for one reason or another. no offense, i love yous, but its true at least for now.
josh2 is neutral territory, and i need that right now. ****
so i plan on kickin it up there from tuesday the fifteenth through july the twenty-first. internet access is questionable, so well see if there are entries up there or no.
oh, and i did a very good job of not buying any jewelry today. i really want some titanium rings for my ears. large diameter, but staying at the 4g. i wouldlike it if they were neo-tribal design...but i was in a piercing lounge today watching jana get her arm tat touched up, and i had lots of pretty shiny metal in front of me and i didnt buy a thing. plus i looked online and found a pair i liked for only thirty dollars (!) but i was still a very good girl and did not buy them.
it was much easier to not buy jewelry in senegal coz other than some cheap bone necklaces and bin-bins (jewelry for your waist, sex symbol that is sort of a tease - you leave it sort of sticking out of your pants at the back and peeps get to think about the rest of you that its wrapped around; also cute in bed) there really wasnt anything i liked.
senegalese women like some uber-gaudy jewelry. you should see this gold ring i was given as a wedding present. i am going to melt it down into something else when i get around to it. i dont know what else to do, it looks like a disco ball wrapped around the first part of my knuckle. and i know that it cost a lot for whomever paid for it...but i would never ever wear it. yeah. thats all the drathering hack of a type im fin'a do now, folks.
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