i was just reading through my old entries, from when i first got to senegal and i found this recollection of a dream:..then i was like, shit i am dreaming i bet i will wake up soon. but i wanted to be with v. before i woke up so i went immediately to her and pushed her down against the couch-like thing she was sitting on and i started grasping her breasts and kissing her but she was no longer v. she was a black woman and i felt her breast disappear under my hands and became a male chest and her body suddenly had something hard (the dildo had disappeared long ago) pressed against my vagina
i just think thats kind of trippy in light of what's happened; the place in my life for v transformed, i feel, without any control or intent on my part, to a place for ponge who is a black male like how it was changed in the dream.
i have a lot of guilt associated with that. i feel estranged. and i emailed v and she hasnt emailed me back.
im a little tired of this game (the one where i reach out and get nothing for my efforts), and a little tired of ..what it means to reconnect here. its stressful, waiting to see if we will accept one another. if i should be out looking for new people to connect with. it makes me feel insecure, and unlikable.
with v i think its not that she wont reach back, just maybe a timing thing. i guess. im sick of guessing. josh1, mary1, kay, now v. fuck.
and i feel really closed, like when someone wants to talk with me about things i mostly dont want to talk about it. except sometimes, and usually no one is asking me questions at those specific times. gotta fucking love mood swings.
i dont like being alone in the house so much, either. piss.
i had this beautiful dream, but then i had life instead. so im kind of freaking out. putting a specific twist to the future scares the hell out of me. is what im doing so normal that i cant really grasp it? i never thought i would...i feel like im settling down, not starting out. i imagine things ponge and i will fight about.
he would tell me i need to think positive, that he is positive. he would tell me i will realize all my dreams. he told me that already when i said i was scared i wasnt going to realize my dreams with the projectory i had :chosen. he makes it easy for me to be my better person. ::sigh::
my head twists and contorts with thoughts and questions and worries and no amount of telling myself to just chill is really making it go away. um.
its not like im fucking miserable all the time either, just sometimes. especially when im alone, and i seem to be alone a lot. stupid spacious ameriKKKa
