i apparently am a failure at masturbating. first of all, i have only ever once succeeded in achieving a full blown thank you jesus orgasm. i noted this a few weeks back - in which i was amazed at the pleasure my own body could produce for itself. upon having produced such a lovely gasm, i started masturbating with unheard of frequency (for me, that means like three times a week) only to no avail. sure, its still pleasurable, and maybe i'll get a babygasm or two. you know, a little pleasure in the thighs or toes. but i get all riled up, my body is screaming with tension and it knows it wants to let go of all that...but it just, doesnt. i dunno. i realize im not as turned on as i was, then i wonder if it will ever (if i will ever) come, so i try a different angle or speed. but eventually i realize it aint gonna happen, and with slight disappointment, wash off my dildo and put 'er away for another - hopefully more successful - day. my other failure is that i only even want to bate like once a week, max. aren't i supposed to gloriously love to touch myself in a frenzied state of need while fantasizing about some hot unattainable person all the fucking time? or is that reserved for boys? maybe my problem is fantasizing - i almost never do. last time i tried to fantasize, it was about ponge and that just led to me crying at the end because i was so frustrated i couldnt get off and combine that with coming down from a night at the bars and wishing it was actually ponge instead of my hand and some blue rubber.
so maybe i need to have some hot unattainable person; or like a kaleidoscope of sexually pleasing images to taunt me. shit, this is my mind we're talking about, i could do anything really. i discovered when i was like ..oh, eleven? that i quite like the feeling of being really full, and the sight of my belly really full. so i would drink lots and lots of water, really fast, to check out how my body felt & looked when it changed like that. ive always wondered what the hell that was; why i liked doing that so much. as i got older, i discovered the same thing turned me on sexually. when it is appealing for me to try this, is a total mystery to me. sometimes it will be a year or two between times; sometimes just a couple weeks.
anyway, it appealed to me tonight, for the first time in over a year. i thought i would gasm - but no, denied. so even my old water-mirror-rubbing routine didnt get me to the point of orgasm. dont ask me what the hell ever possessed me to start doing this, or why it turns me on. i have no fucking clue. i have theories, but i dont know if they have any validity.
my current theories:
(one) since about 5th grade i have always thought my belly was disproportionatly and unsatisfactorily protruded & not as sexually attractive as it "should be," and i have since then sucked in. now, much older, i theoretically disagree with this YoungThought and think it is just that i have been brainwashed by the mysogynistic mediaculture. yet, however strong my intellectual convictions may be, i had this habit for years before i began to revolt against the media glorified body type - and old habits die hard. i still do it to this day. i do it with out thinking about it, it's an unconscious act. i do it when no one is around. i do it in the shower. i am doing it right now, alone in my room in front of this computer.
thus, to privately get off on changing my body to a shape that is publicly considered undesirable may be some neurotic form of release, like getting away with what you aren't supposed to? or like only being able to see that part of your body as beautiful, attractive, when no one else is looking. like exagerrating that which you are supposed to hold shame for, getting off on this other extreme; the opposite.
(two) i think pregnant women are beautiful and have looked forward to having a pregnant body & child inside for as long as i can remember. thus it could be some form of early fantasizing about that sort of body.
(three) the feeling of being full and the feeling of being fucked are located in similar places in the brain - the hypothalumus for the most part, if i remember correctly. it is in charge of the four f's: feeding, fucking, fighting, and flight (i may have fucked up those last two, but the first is definitely right). so my irregular habit is simply a sign that although i generally regard myself as acceptably intelligent (if unable to spell for shit), in the end i am just a stupid mammal - subject to instinct in ways i am too preoccupied to realize.
(four) those things are all related, and all part of the puzzle.
but back to the subject at hand: successful masturbation. maybe this is some kind of hormone thing. i have always been a late bloomer. i barely managed to have breasts, got my period when i was almost 16, wasnt really sexually interested in anyone at all til my late teens. arent women-types supposed to want to get it on the most around their late twenties? maybe i have hundreds of masturbatory and otherwise induced orgasms just waiting for me in my future, and Future Me will smile kindly on Past Me; wishing she could lay to rest all her doubts and orgasm theories.
i think also i would benefit from a vibrator. seems like a lot less work than the dildo, gotta hand it to tops and guys all over the world - that shit takes a lot of energy! apparently one of ponge's goals in working out so much is so that he can be physically capable of doing all he and his partner would want him to do sexually. im glad its important to him to make sure i (as his partner) am satisfied with his sexual performance.
last time, when i had the lovely gasm, i was sitting with my legs up and straddling my computer. i had no underwear on since i didnt have any clean, and i had a skirt on since it was hot. i was studying up on html - there was something or other i wanted to do on this page that i couldnt figure out on my own. maybe i should try that again? like role playing with myself. sounds like such a hot porn, right - Dykes Meet Bytes, or Cunts Come for Code. yeah...
tonight when i got all turned on, i was in the middle of reading the interview with eldridge cleaver - which, by the way you should ALL GO READ RIGHT NOW. here is an example:
"I'm saying to you that I feel that the United States as it exists today has to be totally obliterated and has to be rebuilt and restructured, and the wealth, the means of production, the entire system, has to be rearranged. And it won't be rearranged peacefully, because it's clear that those who control the United States have no intention whatsoever of modifying what's going on there, that in fact what they are doing is escalating the repression against the forces that are moving for a change. The only fitting response to this repression can be implacable resistance, and the only implacable resistance that can possibly be manifested in this situation is open warfare against the system." (p. 56)
"I know the American people, and I know the ideals that are instilled in one. I know how they are imbedded in the heart, you see. You have to look at the process of the formation of the American character structure, look at the children in American grammar schools and high schools and look at the ideals that are implanted in them there.'
'The children of America are the ones I consider to be the citizens of the American dream. First this foundation, all these ideals--the Bill of Rights, the Constitution and the Rights of Man, the Lord's Prayer, all of these things that no one can really attack, these things that have inspired people everywhere--are implanted in the hearts and the minds of the children of America. This is the foundation of the American character. But here is when the trick comes in. Later on, these ideals are twisted to function on behalf of a vicious power structure and a vicious economic and political and social system. My quarrel is against what is done with this foundation that has been instilled in people, and this is a very important distinction to make. Because what happens to people in the United States is that they are given these dreams and then they are put through a very subtle process of twisting and deforming and brainwashing, and they really have no defenses against this process because it's done by a very elaborate structure. And the dream is very subtly transformed into a nightmare."(p.60)
god, i just have electric in my veins. i could quote him all night. well said...so what happened? what happened to the black panther party? are they still around? the more i know, the more i know that i really dont know shit. the more i realize how corrupt it all is, and how just it all should be. i mean, has america ever lived up to the words in its constitution? indians, slaves, japanese prison camps... is it any better? cant it get better faster? is armed revolution possible? is it desirable? i would love to see gw out of power, but im not the one to put a bullet in his head. and if i cant do it, how could i ask someone else to? cant he just slither away and rot under a rock somewhere?
