god im fucking ornery. and shitty. shitty meaning bummed out, depressed, unhappy, blue, fucking etcetera. i can fairly well trace this. you see, i planned a swap party which was fucking shit. a swap party, my vision was a lot of people throwing their used but still usable clothes and other stuffs in a pile and getting free stuff out of the pile - stuff that others had dumped there. nate and nate and shaun and ryan would dj, there would be a lot of people i didnt know very well and the people i had invited would bring their friends. and we would have a jolly drunken dancing free stuff good time. and it looked that way, all week i'd been looking forward to it. i'd heard an ass load of people talk about how they were excited to go, and they had a ton of stuff to get rid of, etc. so i hauled over early on sat night to get half barrel with shaun, and we dragged that heavy fucking thing up his icy stairs into the house and down into his basement, ordered a pizza to eat, and set up the equipment and such. i called jana last minute just to see what was up and she says - hey you still havin that swap thing tonight?
what? this party was originally going to be at her house. the date was set to where it was to fit her schedule. she was telling me how so many people she talked to were excited to go...i gave her fucking flyers for christs sake! so she comes over, not having invited a single mutherfucker with her and proceeds to inform me that she is not staying very long because she has to go to a bar and then a house party later. very fucking nice jana. thanks so much for gracing us with your presence. thanks for sticking around when we made these plans like a fucking month and a half ago, together, on the phone. thanks for telling me a shit load of people were coming so i had planned for like 10 - 15 people to be invited at your end.
one nice thing was being able to see michelle for like 10 minutes, except that she didnt even say goodbye when they left. wtf? and amber and someone else come over for like 2 minutes for no reason i can think of, then they all leave together. great, might as well not have come at all. didnt buy a cup, didnt participate in clothing exchange, didnt even talk to anyone that i can think of. just showed up with too much make up on as usual and left with jana and mo (michelle).
so on new years when i was with a bunch of beaver dam peeps i was telling them all about the party and they were excited about it as well. but i dont have a lot of their phone numbers and i asked shaun to call people and such and was told "dont worry about it." who shows up from bd? nate, ryan, and diane. and nate and diane leave at like 1am. how many fucking parties of theirs have i stayed at or gone to out of loyalty when i was tired or had shit to do the next day or whatever. plus i just felt/feel fucking dumb for making a big deal that they come down for this when there was NO ONE THERE. like, hey way to throw some lame shit for us to spend an hour getting to. not that they said anything, but you know. i just feel embaressed.
lets see: by eleven, we had jana, michelle, amber, and someone come and leave. around 11:30 other ryan, javiar, ariel, and some other people came, then later collette and some other people came. so at that point there were about (my brother, carrie, and ponge included) 13 or so people total in the house. by 12:30 nate and diane had come and gone. by one other ryan, javi, etc., and collette and them had left. incidentally, i feel pretty bad for making them drive all the way out to shaun's place when no one was there - bad as in stupid. and i had a really fucked up conversation with javi before he left and now i feel kind of anxious about seeing him again. anyway other ryan at that poing gave ponge a ride home (he had to work in the morning). i also feel embaressed about making a big deal about this party to ponge when it sucked.
so then there was just us - myself, shaun, carrie, my bro, and ryan. by 1:15 am there were five of us, and an almost untouched barrel. untouched because not only did very few people actually come, but since i originally was planning for this to be SMALL i wrote "this event is bring your own whatever" on the flyers. but when i kept hearing from people how SO MANY people were interested and excited, i decided we would do well to get a barrel. yet several groups of people didnt show at ALL, let alone bringing their friends, and all the people i expected to bring lots of folks, didnt.
so we did the best thing we could think of, we went to a bar/club near shaun's house and invited nearly everyone there to afterbar. and, a good twenty people showed up. we made $37, and, more importantly, by dawn a little over half the barrel was gone. we then went to eat at bennetts for smut and eggs. smut and eggs is this little dive that serves liquor all day long (opens at 6am), serves breakfast, and has multiple little tvs behind the bar showing some of the worst porn i've ever seen. not that ive seen that a lot, but it was still really boring.
and, throughout all of this shit, the front of my incisors have been in pain and really sensitive, especially one of my lower teeths. i had my teeth cleaned on thursday and the dentist used this new thing called the cavitron. the fucking cavitron. this is dentistry, people, not the wwf. anyway, that bitch made pulp of my gums and then washed the shit out with the coldest horrible squirts of water directly on my very COLD SENSITIVE teeth. now, i cant think of one fucking medical reason why that water would be cold - after all, heat kills bacteria. you'd think some asshole dentists would REALIZE that SOME PEOPLE cant STAND cold on their teeth. OW YOU BITCH OW!
i can only conclude that she does that shit on purpose, because cleaning teeth is boring and horrible and watching people wince puts some sort of entertainment into her day. but then afterward, my fucking front teeth, especially one tooth hurt like hell and have been very sensitive and pain prone ever since. muther FUCK am i SO SICK of doctors fucking up my BODY. so i called on friday, but their little bitchy asses are CLOSED on fridays - must be fucking a hard life. so they called me back today and want me to come in so they can "take a look at what is going on."
great. i want to spend my fucking day off going in to help a dentist understand how they fucked up my teeth. i am SO PISSED about this. and these SAME ASSHOLES want me to come in to get my teeth drilled on thursday. if they cant even fucking clean my teeth right how the hell am i supposed to trust them DRILLING them??
bastards.
i want a swap party that is a success. i maybe will try to do this again in six months. when it is warm out. we had an ice storm a few days ago and driving wasnt the most fun thing to do, although it had gotten much better, on that saturday night. and shaun lives in fucking bumfuck - way way on the west side, quite opposite of where many of the sort of people invited live. still though. i have these sort of logical reasons for why it was not what i expected. it wasnt even a terrible time - it just wasnt anything like what i had imagined, or prepared for (hence the barrel), and i feel embaressed about the attendance, i feel it as a reflection on my person.
even if other parts of me identify that feeling as fairly child-like. i still feel it. i in fact was wanting to move the fuck back to the cities today. god i am in such a ... flux. well, thats how shit is, life aint static. but right now im feeling terribly bored. and i was talking to my mom about how i want to move out in a month or few - and she said oh i'll be so lonely.
my mom feels like shit a lot, and that is a pretty hefty downer as well. like i want to solve it but im just on the edge of knowing enough to give any sort of advice worth a shit.
but i have to move out. i just feel stupid saying i live with my mom - no matter what the reasons are for it. and if i have a place with other young people i think it will be good for ponge and i. i need social interaction with people who arent just meeting together because there is some sort of fucking meeting or political thing or discussion. i need fucking SOCIAL interaction, purposeless and ..damn. stress relieving (or creating?). and no matter what, i could never feel comfortable bringing a bunch of people i dont know very well back here. i dont feel comfortable inviting my friends over, thats just how it is. even if i was paying rent, i just cant feel totally good about myself while living with a parent.
i know in senegal that is normal, but im not fuckin senegalese and squatting here is depressing me. the way ponge just watches tv all the time depresses me. the way my mom is always busy doing shit and hates being so busy but cant say no to anything depresses me. just after this one thing, just after this after after... the way william is so important to her is something i totally dont get. i reserve proclaiming anything on the matter, but god it just doesnt seem healthy in any way. pining month after month for someone so far away. stretches between emails stretching out your emotional stability.
and no matter what she's said on the matter, i just cant get over wondering if she wouldnt be happy with a relationship with a female if she didnt have such rigid ideas about what that meant. i mean, shes open to other people doing whatever she wants.
the girls talk that she and terry take interest in makes little sense to me. maybe it would make more sense if there were other males that ted could do "guys talk" with, but it just seems exclusionary. why are people so afraid to expose themselves? we only live once for fucks sake, lets get fucking uncomfortable and learn something.
if i call nate and carrie out to drink i have to pay usually. if i call shaun its like a train of different bars and he pays for some. if i call jana i have to hear her talk endless shit about people and laugh at them in a very mean spirited and sort of petty way. thats fuckin it. i dont have anyone else to call. im afraid to call jocelyn because she says things like - dude, thats so gay. im just feeling really uncomfortable and impatient and friendless and...like i dont have any real connections anymore. well except my family. but family is different than friends. and i dont know how long this job is going to keep me satisfied. my fucken bitch grandma was like - oh so she's going to live with mommy and work at a grocery store the rest of her life?
yes, grandma thats my plan. live with mommy and work at a store the REST OF MY LIFE. what i am doing to survive during a major major transition period is so obviously indicative of that which i plan to do for the REST OF MY LIFE.
god i just want to get drunk and smoke cigarettes. but thats part of my whack shit state today - on saturday i smoked like five cigarettes, so now my body is going through withdrawal. i REALLY need to stop smoking while i drink. sometimes when ive smoked while drinking, in the following three to five days after i want to drink just so i can have an excuse to smoke. the last time i started smoking (winter of 2001-02) i started because i was really unhappy and i wanted slowly kill myself.
well, i dont think i want to start smoking again - ponge as a non-smoker is a good deterrent. in fact all the cigarettes ive had while drunk, none were in front of him. so i guess you could say i'm hiding that from him. i guess that could be construed as lying in a way. but its also true that the main reason i dont do it in front of him is that the way i would feel smoking in front of him and the conversation that would spark (him: something to the effect of that's not good for you i thought you quit etc; me: defensive) would be worse than the urge, impulse, desire, lust i have to consume a cigarette.
im never happy with my cigarette smoking the day after - my lungs and respiratory system in general feel like shit, i can smell it escaping my pores - my skin and armpits literally smell like cigarette smoke, i feel guilt or shame or something, etc.
god you'll have to excuse all the italicized words, i just got done reading franny and zooey by jd salinger. a book both good and annoying.
i think i may have typed enough to get the scowl off my face, to relieve the urge to scream, to put a little more thought into opening that bottle of wine.
